Monday, September 27, 2004

Wife Swap-this Weds

Posted on 09/27/2004 at 11:00 AM

Seldom do I get excited about a new reality show....since most of them are crap. Often, after I watch one... I feel dirty and cheap. Wife Swap had a sneak peak Tonight on ABC. On the show, they will switch 2 wives and their lives for 2 weeks. Oprah had on a preview of the show and at least the first installment looks amazing. Oprahs show featured a set of moms trading their lives.This Weds.is the Premire on this episode One wife is a NY Socialite Millionaires and the other a School Bus driving Mom from rural NJ. The NY Mom...should we call her that? She seems like a women with offspring and has outsourced every detail of their lives. If she could have gotten around it ....she would have not gone to the trouble of giving birth. Shes got 3 nannies a full time maid and driver. She is so busy doing nothing that it is exhausting to watch her. The other Mom gets up at dawn and works chopping wood for 3 hours every morning. Then does all the work around the house and drives a school bus twice a day. I only got to see snippets of the show but Oprah had on the two families and it was great.

Fast forward...its a day later I didnt get to finish this blog.(see I FEEL NAKED Post) I watched the sneak peak tonight. They took an anal retentive, ocd nut job and switched her with a sloppy 12 pets and shit all over the house....wife. I loved it. It was like the World Wrestling federation for me. No one knows what your life is like till they walk in your shoes. They featured VERY polar opposite women and families. Perhaps the lesson learned is that...when your so extremely polarized to one side the only way to find you way to the middle is to go all the way to the other extreme and then you can more clearly find your way to the middle road. The children and husbands reactions to the new wives are so much fun to watch . Maybe they just found a Reality show that caters to my niche

I find this show interesting...because usually moms are judged often by externals...the home, the kids and how they turn out, if your floors shine.....all that crap. This show explores how the home we make and the relationships we build are really what being a wife and Mom are all about.

My husband made an interesting comment..He asked whats the prize?? Money??? What do they get??? There is no prize (or actors to pay.. ABC makes lots of money. huh) So why do they do it?? My husband needs to know. I think the show for these women is an Acknowlegement of some kind. You dont get a pay check as a Full time mom, or an employee of the month parking spot...there are no promotions. Maybe thats it. Or perhaps its just that "15 minutes of fame".... Hey any wives out there wannna switch lives with a standup comic and her nutty bunch???? Oh and I forgot the other question my husband asked...Does the husband get to do her????? "no"

Saturday, September 25, 2004

I feel naked

UGGGGGGGGGG. Im working on my blog. I do a firsts draft. I cant finish it.... So I deactivated it so I can come back in a few hours and edit it. At least thats what I thought I did. Several hours later to my horror.... I go to the blog page and there it is with a gazilllllllion typos, spelling errors.....and incomplete.. My secrets are out. I failed typing...(not keyboarding as it is called now) I am spell check dependant and I am easily distracted..A.D.D. (formerly known as stupid).

Friday, September 24, 2004

TAKING THE DOG OUT.

I am the kind of comic who is either too new at this, afraid, or untalented to just hop on stage for a regular show and do new untested material. Each new joke must audition for room in my line up. HEY... You new kids farting in my car Joke... Where do you think your going? We dont have room for you here at a real show. Go to a half dozen open mics and see me when youve gotten some laughs... then will see about putting you up...will talk.

Not a bad policy, So I go to the open mics and take out the new stuff. Unless the new joke gets a huge response...I seldom give the joke a chance in my core set. FAST FOWARD... I am in good room ...the crowd is hot... I get up on stage and instead of adding a new joke or two... I "Take the dog for a walk." That meaning, I just do my standard set. I have to tell you, That everytime I do this..I hate myself. I can have people tell me how good I was on stage and Im thinking..."Wimp. How are you ever going to get better if you do the same stuff over and over." Its going for the safe bet. I gotta kill so I can get booked again. Its hoping that, if I do well... Ill be offered longer sets and more stage time. I dont want risk a new set, because what Im looking for is more important than an artistic risk. I guess its just part of the place I now if find myself,in comedy.

Most disturbing is when I get to an open mic, where there for some freak of nature is a good audience... Out of some sickness I will waste the entire set and not do my new jokes. Sometimes I do it out of laziness. I hate myself for doing it out of a need to show off. To have to kill in a room desigened...to be a safe place to bomb. My ego refuses to let me risk bombing. I think this is the core fear all together. This is the reason I make new jokes audition...and do the safe and sure thing. Im not willing to bomb at the cost of getting better. This must stop. I dont want to be a comic who 5 years from now is doing the same set. I am going to stop this....it cant go on... Im waisting time. Hopefully you can come see me bomb at an open mic near you. Im done ...Now I got a write that fart joke..I was just useing it metophoricaly.

Comments are below
A win is a win
Posted on 09/24/2004 at 08:18 PM by Mark Moseley

I know what you mean about showing up at an open mic, ready to do new untested jokes, and finding an 'audience'. I do the same thing. I do time-tested material. But don't look at it as wimping out. I see it as a chance to do my best to entertain people who SEEK TO BE ENTERTAINED. It doesn't matter if its just comics. They didn't come to the spot for you to make them laugh. They came to try new stuff. But you instincts are right, and real. Its proof, I think, that you are a BORN entertainer. You see a real audience, and your mind goes into 'Its Showtime!' mode. Not a damn thing wrong with that.




Posted on 09/25/2004 at 08:52 PM by Shaun Eli

Nothing wrong with trying new material in front of a paying audience, though I've learned that it's risky to open or close with it.

As far as wanting to get better, you can get better doing the same jokes. It's practice telling them over and over, learning what to emphasize, how to work them, how much to pause...

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Thanks Dr. Phil

.... Look at me, I am a walking cliché....Sometimes I act like a typical Housewife. I will confess that I like Dr. Phil. Dont Judge me! What cliche are you?? I like the Big Know All.. As a comic I thrive on burning the harsh light of the truth on subjects that society and individuals like to lie about or deny. Today, Dr. Phil had on a bunch of dumb ass parents who cant get their kids to go to bed, eat the food served to them, and get this ......change out of their pajamas. These morons let there 3 and 5 yr. olds walk around in PJs all day long.... Even go to a daytime birthday party!! I have met too many of these kind of parents. They negotiate with their kids everything. "Tiffany & Brandon, when do you think you might want to go to bed"? "Brandon, if you don't stop holding your sisters head in the toilet Mommy is going to have to give you time out." I hate these parents and I hate the crummy, future jerks of America they are raising.

DR Phil's show is like an antidote for me....From all the shows like Jerry Springer, Moray Povich and Ricky Lake. Im sick of insane people parading around as if they are normal. I realize I sound like a conservative...uptight hard ass..Trust me on this one, Im Not. I just cant stand parents who think that they should be their kids best friend. Or their kids should like them. Dont these idiot parents know that it is HEALTHY at some point in your life to hate your parents... I didn't want my Mom to be my best friend.....I wanted a Mom. It is a joy for me, to see Dr. Phil telling these goof ball, permissive, no backbone, whimps that they are being lousy parents in the name of love.That they are doing a disservice to these kids and that love is doing what is best for the child even if the child doesnt agree. THANK-YOU THANK-YOU DR.PHIL Best of all he said it to their faces. When I do my act.....I can only pray that someone hears me and the truth I speak. The best thing about doing stand up is having the outlet to say.... This is insane...heres why....and see Im right! A while back I had someone do something really sick in front of me........ I told her she was nuts......she didn't agree. The next best thing to getting her to go on Dr. Phil was to talk about it on stage and get a room of people agree with me. .....oh yeah....and laugh.

Monday, September 20, 2004

And the winner is...............

There are times that define you. There are times that your actions spell out so clearly that things have changed and that you are no longer the same person. Tonight was one of those defining experiences. The Emmy Awards were on and I who am a complete Award Show Junkie...couldnt care less. I had a set to go do in NYC. I didnt even listen to the live audio feed that I could get in my car. I had to listen to the news station for traffic on the 8s. I was going to take the Holland tunnel via the Turnpike.. no NEWS88 says 45 minute delays...quick I dart on to route 1&9. I switch over to 1010WINS traffic on the 10s.... Shit 1&9 half hour delays. I see an exit for Tunpike North get off cross my fingers...Yes only a 5 minute delay at the Lincoln. Im in the tunnel in a flash. No traffic Mid town?? Lucky!!! Find a parking spot in two seconds...WOW.. Run into the club...great crowd..drunk and roudy..Just like I like um. Had a good set with 2 new jokes that went well. Handle a guy whos talking...He asks me to repeat a joke just for him, he was talking. I say somthing like come back next week Ill do the same set. Shut him up and finish strong. Id like to thank, my car,1010WINS,the nice folks at NEWS88, My EZ pass, Nicortee gum, and the lovely people at the club tonight....oh yes.... It is much better being the leading charecter in my own life. I'll watch E tommorow and see what I missed.

Friday, September 17, 2004

On call

Like in all jobs some days are harder than others. Today I was in all major modes: Mommy, daughter, chef, maid, laundress, chauferr, Jew, sex kitten, and comedian. Holidays are a bitch. One of the perks of being a stay at home Mom is you dont have to dress up till evenings usually. I hate putting on panty hose before 5. But as a good mom setting an example I had dress up and go to services. Due to terrorism threats other than the handicapped you cant park in the main lot. I found a space about a half a mile away and walked in high heels to the High Holidays. We got there just in time for the aerobic portion of the service. Up down Up down turn sit stand stand sit. Feh. I decided to go out to the lobby for a short break. I hit an all time "your just like the movie Punchline record (see earlier blog-Arent you Sally Field) In less than 2 hours I got 4 people ask me If I saw the movie or recommend it to me. I thought the movie was a flop...now it seems the entire friggin world has seen it.

After thanking G-d for all the good in my life I went home to 2 hours of cleaning and setting up for dinner. I also had to go to the store for last minute supplies for dinner. Company came a 5pm dinner at 5:30. I am the only adult female in my family so I play host and the part of Alice from the Brady Bunch. How nice would it be to have someone like Alice to serve the meal and clean up after. I wouldnt even mind doing the cooking.

My dad and mom are always a challenge, My mother is telling this sad story of this women's terrible misfortune, she is welling up almost crying as she relates the story...."she was abused and homeless"...only to find out it wasnt anyone she knew but someone she heard while listening to talk radio. My dad of course irritated my husband by asking why and when this and that around our house was going to be repaired or repalced....this is always a sure way to annoy my husband and after 21 years I am convinced it is on porpose.

I can never get mad at my children when my parents are around. They always think that we are wrong and that their grandchildren can do no wrong. This is great for them but drives me up a wall. Who are these people..when did they get so mellow. I was asked to leave the table if I had my elbows on it...or laughed to loud with my cousins during holidays.

During dinner my parents were arguing about their screen name for thier new computer. My mother whos name is Alice says Marty..How can you forget our screen name its Alice in wonderland. I make coffee, run upstairs for my 3rd wordrobe change of the day to go into the city to do a 10pm show. Parents leave, I leave for the quietest time of my day driving 50 minutes into NYC. Im in the club in under an hour a new record door to door. The room is light, I bark for an hour (see woof woof blog) feet are killing me. I get on stage at 11:20 and have a good set, I even venture doing some stage work with the room. I leave...and am home by 12:40 I start this blog and lost half of it while spell checking it.......ugggggg. I decide to finish it in the morning. Its 11pm the next day and it took me an entire day to recover from the day before. Oh and I forgot just as I was leaving the club last night a comic runs up to me and says "Hey Robin..You gotta see this movie....its with Sally Fields and Tom Hanks... the record stands at 5 Punchline references in one day. It was a hectic day and yet the best part was getting up on stage....Something is strage about that to me. I think after years of doing what ever just came up next for so many others...Im living a part of myself that is for myself. The creative, the performance and the recognition is all for me.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Poooooooof

Laying in bed the other night I stared to think, hey thats funny, I could use this in a bit. I should write it down...no let me think a little more about it. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Im in the car rattling my brains what was it, what was the bit. Its melted and vaporized never to be remembered. What if it was my break through bit.

The same thing happens at dinner parties and long drives in the car. I have a recorder and a marble notebook. Either I cant get to a pen or my recorder is out of batteries or the thought just runs out of my head before I can even think to document it. I am not the kind of writer who can sit and write a joke. They come from inspirations and connections I make in my day to day life. I swear to myself each time that I will be more diligent and not let this happen again ... till it does. Pooooooooooooooof comedy vapor is heart breaking. To console myself I think...If it was any good I would have remembered it.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Banging my head against the wall.

Saturday was very interesting. I drove out to PA for a gig. I was all pumped up because hey this is the real deal. Im performing on a Sat. night at a comedy club, prime-time, paying crowd, non-bringer. I drove the 2 hours with my crummy mapquest directions and pulled up to the club. Well, not really a club, an upstairs room above a resurant/bar. I was one of 4 comics. The booker and the room manager couldnt have been nicer. Sad fact was we had only 20 people in the room. We almost had 5 more but they didnt want to pay a cover and left. Hey, no problem Ive played for less people and they were all comics. I went on first after the Mc. I was full of energy and thought if I should change anything because the room was so intimate. I decided to stick to my original plans and I am glad I did. I had a good set. Nothing went flat. Nothing to amazing but a consistent job. The booker of the club grabbed me after I go off and told me that he will book me again and in a few other rooms he runs. On the 2 hr. Long ride home I thought that went well...but do I want to run out here again for such a small room...he didnt say anything about paying me. Then I thought sure I do. Where do I think I should be playing. I am in my second year doing this who do I think I am. Someone needs to knock some sense into me. Later that night I woke up and went to the bathroom as I walked out of the bathroom I hit my head on the door giving myself a black eye and splitting my eyebrow open. As in all things including standup be careful what you wish for

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Saturday Night Live

Well, boys and girls tonights the big night. Im going to the show as they say in Minor League Baseball. I have a real live Saturday night gig, in real club, with a real, non bringer paying audience. Okay its in the middle of nowhere in PA. Okay its still minor league....Im thrilled all the same. Now I just gotta do well. This is my third show on a Saturday night. My first Saturday night was in a one nighter club where I opened and MCed. The opening went really well however, when I came back on between the feature and headliner,,,I tanked. Fortunately the Headliner got the show back on track. Months later I did a fundraiser for Gildas Club. Right before we went on the Rabbi of the temple where we were performing informed all 3 comics that he expected us all to work clean. The headliner went into a panic because he had very little clean material prepared. I was asked to go as long as I could and did almost a half hour. I had my best show ever and was thrilled. So tonights my third time at bat. Its a 10 minute set but the booker of this club said to consider it like an audition and if I do well he can book me in one of his other clubs. So Im driving about 4 hours tonight for 10 minutes of stage time....Only another comedian would understand why.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Woof Woof.....for laughs

I got a last minute call from the booker of a club I often perform at. Do I want to perform tonight? I say yes.... but can I just check quickly with my family and call him right back? I call my husband who the night before after almost two years of being very supportive, decides to put his foot down. He has decided that 4 nights out, at comedy a week is his personal limit. I understand...but at the same time resent needing to ask permission to do what I consider my job. So I ask him to keep the peace and he suprises me and says. "sure you should do it." "Go for it," Thats why Im married 21 years to this man...he still keeps me guessing. He explained hes happy for me but he misses me awwwwwwwwwwwe. Well you had 2 decades of me all to yourself...thanks, I gotta run.

I get to the club and we have no audience. We delay the start to 11pm from 10pm. I offer to bark fliers.I didnt drive an hour in traffic to tell jokes to empty chairs. Hey, I could go home and tell my joke to the empty sofa in my livingroom...no way..its heard all my stuff. Who new I could be so convincing. I myself, got 20 or so, people to walk in and see our show. We had 2 top comics do feature spots and 5 or 6 other comics. It turned out to be a decent show. I shouldnt be telling any one How well I did barking because Ill wind up walking the streets of NY more than the Lincoln tunnel bunnies. I must be naive or maybe I am just taking it all in stride for now...but its all for the good of the show and Call me crazy but I like to perform in a room full of people. What humbles me is how many other people are on the street barking... so called candy thugs for education, homeless people barking for change and a meal, and other entertainers looking to fill a room,so they can perform. I was always the one at the PTA or any organization I belong to asked to do fund-raising. I guess Im good at begging. If I have to beg....let me do it for an audience. Hell, Im not making any money at this point...Im working for laughs and compliments. I might need to buy more comfortable shoes.

Tuesday, September 7, 2004

Aren't you Sally Field

Almost since the day I started doing standup.At least twice a week, someone once knowing that I am comedian will say ..."Have you seen that movie with Sally Field and Tom Hanks...its Just like you.!!!!!!!!!!" I say "Oh you mean the movie PUNCHLINE." Many of them arent to sure of the title, but they are positive that this movie is just my story come to life. OH YES YES....its just like that. Lets all examine the film closely and see for ourselves.

Firstly Sally works several nights a week at an open mic at the same club, with the same comics each week.....Im buying it.... Next she has a dressing room/green room where they can all hang out before and during the show. I haven't seen one of those yet...but who knows what the future holds. The club is huge and there's a decent size audience ... possible. Sally doesn't even have to drag four bodies with her each time. Shes married to John Goodman, and befriends a young handsome yet bitter male comic. Ive met a few. He persuades her that she needs to talk to her audience more to find her comedic voice. She does.... and shes instantly good at it....She does it for long sets ... one montage after another. OK 5 minutes at a time....maybe with good editing. Then Tom 10-15 yrs younger than her falls in love with her. Sally loves her lovable tub of lard at home....John Goodman... and resists fucking Tom Hanks, the hot young comics brains out. Being friends with him will have to be enough. She realises that she is in love with his Talent and Comedic Stylings,and that is all they can ever share. What is totally unbeleavable is .... She takes cabs to and from NJ.....where does she live?????????? Next to the toll booth on the Jersey side of the Holland tunnel. Other than the cab thing......OHHHH YESSSS IT IS EXACTLY LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Now that you have completely pigeon holed me.....dont you feel better. Thank god she didnt see the movie,This is My Life, with Julie Kavner and Winona Ryder.

Saturday, September 4, 2004

To hot for me to handle

I am the proud mother of two great kids. My daughter, who I always thought was pretty and not just in that oh Im her mom I have to think that way, is now 17and recently beautiful has transformed to HOT. Walking around in the city with her is like sticking $10,000 dollars in your purse and walking thru a bad neighborhood. She more than turns heads she turns entire bodies. She 5ft 10inchs 120lbs blue eyes, and wears 3 inch heals. She dresses simply but with style. Yet the hot steams through. She has been asked to model but SHE thinks it would interfere with school.

Lots of male comics ask me what they got to do to hook up with my daughter& I tell them 2 to 4 years shes jail bait. I have a good relationship with her. Not in that sick my daughters a stripper and I shoot the polorids of her putting her boobs on the heads of drunken customers. For $20 bucks a pop. She is the girl I hated in High School. She is the girl who everyone thinks life must be so easy for. Having grown up most of my life looking like a troll Im here to say yes, yes, yes it is. Life is not fair, but if it isnt Im glad its not fair in her favor. Shes honest, nice and has good values.

I ask a cop for directions and he acts annoyed,she asks and gets a police escort on foot to the exact location. With great power comes great responsibility(spider man, seen 5 times with 11 year old son) My job as her mother is to show her how to use the power she has been gifted for good and not free drinks, dinners, cars and jewelry. Thats what I would have shot for if I had been so lucky. As it stands I have been invited by many male comics to do shows and reminded to bring the hot daughter. This all said. She was getting ready to go to a wedding of her Indian friends sister. The family had leant her lime green sari. She looked beautiful. I asked her if she could, would she let me borrow her body for just one month. That way I could see first hand what life might be like being her age in her body. I said you could trust me I would take very good care of your body. Only one thing, you might not still be a virgin. Thoughts like this prove to me that. I may think Im a good mom but deep down I really am a bad teenager...Whos really lucky her kids have turned out so well. My daughter is a better kid than I was or would be. Worst of all shes a Republican. Where did I go right?

Comments are below

Posted on 09/02/2004 at 01:09 PM by Greg Manuel

"Where did I go right?"

I hope you don't mind, but...*b-doom CHING!*



hakky huh....I see your point
Posted on 09/02/2004 at 01:24 PM by Robin Fox

It was a homage to the Producers and and to the fact that this liberal leftist could raise a child who would vote for Bush if she was old enough to. Its the first thing I have written other than a letter since college.



No, not hacky at all...
Posted on 09/02/2004 at 02:08 PM by Greg Manuel

I happen to be a big fan of both the Producers AND rimshots. I originally didn't get it til I realized the connection you just outlined. :)

Friday, September 3, 2004

I need some new soil to grow in

I pride myself in not being your typical suburban drone. YES... I do drive a mini van...ugh. I clean my house....I cook dinner 6 nights weekly,I do homework(my 3rd time in 7th grade)...I shop for everyone but myself..I do laundry...BUT that's where the similarities end. I dont play bunkko...craps for housewifes. I dont play Mahjong I tryed it for a bit. I just went for the food. I got so nuts eating the whole time that I once put a tile in my mouth by mistake, I hated it and quit. I dont do lunch...who feels like sitting with 6 women who order salads and then play the REAL game of the day, which is "Lets see who can eat the least" I would drink too much and be bored. I dont do the gym....though I do belong to one...or was it two???? I dont have a nanny or an au pair... Just what I need another person around here to annoy me. I dont do the nail salon thing.....who can sit so long. I hate to buy clothing so Mall hopping isnt for me. I really dont like suburbia... I grew up here and it was all I thought I ever wanted. Sometimes I like to sit outside on my deck but the constant sounds of lawn mowers and leaf blowers annoys the shit out of me. Im antsy. Lately it seems, I am most at home in a Comedy club. I can sit for hours waiting for my turn, with a calm that amazes me. Maybe its the drinking ???? I get along with people in comedy.... I cant say this is true with my peer group back on the cul de sac. I guess you have to grow where your planted. I think that has happened....but now this girl is all grown up and her kids are older too. Ive got root rot. I need a bigger pot to grow in. Laughter, Rejection and working for complements will have to do for now. Comedy is my new world. Best of all I can still be a mom during the day.....make dinner...kiss them all good-bye ... drive to the city and finally be home, on a small stage, with a mic in my hand.