Parking for the fun of it.....

Still taking it a bit slower this week. I took Sunday off and worked on Monday I'm off till this weekend when I will be performing as feature in Cherry Hill for the weekend. They offered me a hotel room and I think I might even take it since it will save me on driving and Gas. I was working so hard before I got sick that I have to say that I wasn't having all that much fun up on stage. Not really. If it was a big gig like the show I did for a Temple I had fear and dread until I got up there and got the first big laugh. I also would leave my home feeling truly like this is a job. I found myself not feeling mentally prepared..... I had been feeling this way since my LCS audition in early March. Anemia will do that to you. Yet my sets were good and I was coming up with new stuff once every other week or so and adding an additional 15 or more minutes to my arsenal
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I did a show in the East Village two weeks ago. I dreaded only going there because of the parking. Its horrific down there... WHY?? no really WHY?? does every hipster own a car?( the abobe photo is not my car but will give you an idea of what I did)
I found a spot and I don't know how I did it but I left an 18th of an inch in front and in the rear between me and the two cars. So much so I drew a crowd squeezing my Marrono into the spot. I prayed that one of the two parties would be gone come the end of the night. The guy who runs the bakery on 12th and ave A came out and later gave me a biscotti on the house for doing such an amazing parking job. Sheer will.... it a metaphor for my entire life and comedy career.

The show was run by a wonderful man named Tom. It was his Ladies Gone Funny show. I was the headliner. Tom Hosted and then his opener does a good 15 and then 4 other girls did 8 to 10 and then I closed the show with 30. 30 minutes in NYC is a gift. Lori Summers opened the show. I have always liked her. She was the host of my graduation show I did at Gotham when I took a class there over 5 years ago. I mentioned to her that I had been feeling like I hit a wall so to speak in comedy. That it all felt so hard and I just didn't know what was next and felt very lost for the first time in a very long time. She told me.... Welcome to the 6 year slump. She explained that the steaks had risen and that it was feeling more like work because in fact that is what it had started to become. I'm making money ... My weekends are filling up and I'm a working comic. Not an A Lister or even a C Lister but a working comic. I feature now most every booked gig I get now or headline if it is a group I do especially well with. Its work. The hours, the driving, the bills, the business end....and its a huge adjustment. I asked her what she found helped her when she got to this point and she said. You have to remember when you take the stage that your doing this for the LOVE of it. Hummmmmmmmmmmmmm??? Tom had a music stand on the stage. On it he had notes. The room was full with maybe 20 friendly folks including the comics. I made a few notes just in case.... when in Rome. It was a work out space and very fluid. Coming off being sick it seemed perfect. I loved the show. I was not thinking about my set all that much and tried to just enjoy the show. Racquel Diapice was there and delivered a great set as well as a woman named Cara who was amazing and very new. I thought about it. For the love of it. I got up and just had a conversation..... I did my jokes but it really was about enjoying myself and the audience. It became a joy ... As I was up there I thought how wonderful is this that I feel so good up here. I thought of all the work and work and work.... and then there is this. A room full of people and just having fun with them.

I offered a ride to Union Sq to two of the women comics for no other reason for them to witness my amazing mad parking skills. The two cars were still there and a small crowd gathered to see me get out of this spot. I did it .... it might have taken 20 moves but I did it!

So much for the love of it. Not every show is a love fest. But just remembering that I used to do this for the love and fun of it was a huge emotional vitamin for me. Not to forget I am now taking mega doses of Iron and B12 and feeling so so so much better. So I did a show for a rabid audience of a very popular radio hosts pack of wild men. It was outside of Philly and I was one of 10 women in a room of over 200 men in baseball caps who wasn't a porno star or a stripper. I had been booked originally to be the feature in a three man show. The show was changed last minute that morning turned into a birthday party for this radio guy. I was to feature but instead was asked to do 10-15. The show opened very strong.... then a guy from Sales went up and sucked all the air out of the room. I was next to a room that was hardly listing and mostly standing in the back and at the bar talking. Carl was with me to save me from driving in the rain. Yes I still hate that. I was nervous. I knew what I needed to do. I need to pretend I wasn't shitting in my pants. I started out strong.... I lost them for a joke .... I got them back... then a drunken bitch is talking to me. Oy. She is responding to every joke. She is around 24 yrs old trashy and drunk. Her boyfriend looks like he suffered from fetal alcohol syndrome. Out of no where in my mind... I said something I don't even remember what and shut her up..... The room got quiet and they were on my side. I felt like a bully. She was really not meaning any real harm. But she posed a real threat to my entire set dying on the vine. While I had their attention I did my most 2 filthy joke I have. Ones about oral the other about anal. Hey I said they were dirty. The oral one got an applause break. The anal one got mouths hanging open.... "To far" I say to them and sorta save the bit. I finish up with my closer and I feel like I earned a C plus. Later the owner comes up and tells me that he was very happy with my set. A big comic I know from a show I do in Hoboken came up to me and said that I did the best any female could possibly do in that room. I wasn't that happy with it. Carl loved it. He said you never saw your were nervous. You were strong and in control Okay. I went home and when I went on myspace I found out that the show was in fact changed that morning on air. It was to be as much a party as a comedy show. We bolted after my set. The next night would be a regular three man show. We had a nice crowd Id say of 50 people. I was asked last minute to open the show with 25 and then bring up the guy who as supposed to host. He did so poorly the night before they wanted me first. I was asked to then bring up the headliner and he would close out the show and I could leave.

Before the headliner went up he asked me if I could do another 10. I said sure. I did my husband wants to save the planet routine and did great. As I was leaving I was informed that the hotel was hosting a Swingers night that night and that most of my audience was from that group. Well let me say these people I guess know how to have fun! I had a great time. The staff loved me too and the bartender mentioned that he would see that people found out how well I did. The GM of the club thanked me and said he would have me back as soon as he can. So that was cool. Side bar. One night a girl is on her cell phone outside a hotel Im doing a show at. She is stranded and cant get home her boy friend and her had a fight. There is a man in a suit having a cigerette standing near by. She is asking her friend to come get her. She hangs up and shes what 19- 20 . I go over to her and give her $20 for a cab, she askes me for my address to pay me back. I give her my card and tell her dont worry about it. Im a mom and would hope someone would help my kid in that situation. She gets a cab and leaves. The man standing there introduces himself to me and tells me that what I just did was very nice. He told me that he was the GM of the hotel and that if I ever work there again he would be happy to comp me a room. Fast forward 2 years..... the GM of this club is the same guy and he remembers me from that night. Karma People..... lesson learned.

I returned to my home club in the city after being away for two weeks. I have to say that I was really afraid they would forget about me. Actually the owner of the club called me for my avails, since I hadn't been in all week to give them to the club. I was so reassured. I told him to hold me off for another week so I wouldn't mess up his schedule . The head booker of the club actually sent me a myspace email saying he hoped I was feeling better. So whats the big deal you are thinking. Well if your a NYC comic your not thinking that... you know how disposable we all feel. If not us there is a line from here to LA that is waiting for your spot. When a comic dies in NYC people call the gigs on his schedule to offer their services.... or at least that's the urban legend. Like the looking for an apartment by checking the obituary pages.

I returned to the club and it was fleet week. I love it. Every show was packed with handsome young men and a smattering of young women all in dress whites. They were fantastic audiences and I could talk like a sailor if I wanted to. I found myself laughing on stage. Whats this ENJOYMENT? I had in the middle of one show a nasty heckler. He was drunk and alone. He was old and gay and annoying the waitstaff even before the show. I was doing really well..... and then he shouted out. You suck your a fat ugly lesbian who needs to get donkey punched!!! The audience when ohhhhhh. I held my finger up as if to say don't worry I got this. I then Say "Uncle Rob is that you.... when did you get out of rehab, how sweet of you to come to see me ". The audience whistles and claps He says I'm sorry I'm feeling a bit stupid just now. I say.... so you were clear all day and saved your one minute of zen stupidity for me. Oh and by the way I'm not a lesbian not that there's anything wrong with that..... I'm straight. Actually I'm married 25 years just right now I'm not fucking anyone. I then say something else..... probably.... now Shut the fuck up. and finished my set strongly. As I got off the stage and walked down the center aisle I got several high fives.

I went to the pit were the comedians sit between sets and shows and the host of the show tells them how well I handled my heckler. Just the the owner and a bouncer are taking my heckler out of the show room. He had passed out. I heard later he tried to take his pants off on the street in front of the club.
I felt like I had just passed an amazing initiation. I had someone fuck with me and I won. It made me feel like I am what I have strived for all these years. I am a comedian.... in the truest and most real sense of what I think that may be or not be. Hecklers always scared me. I had a stock line I could use as a shield for years.... but they always hurt my feelings on some level all in all I have had 3 or 4 hecklers in 5 plus years of this I deserved more. Hecklers remind me of the mean kid in 8th grade who just when I was having fun or thinking for a second I was cool would ruin it all and make a nasty comment or joke at my expense. Shutting down a heckler feels like in some way I have learned how to deal with bullies. That I am armed with my wit and my microphone and I can take care of myself. Its liberating.

I did a show in Hoboken the other night . I had been away from that room for almost 11 weeks. I had a 6 minute set. I decided that this is my room. There my crowd ... I decided that I had to kill and nothing less. I had fun. I had a ball. I felt in control. It was one of my very best sets I have ever had. I don't know what has happened and maybe its nothing more than getting more red blood cells going. But I feel better on stage than I have in a long long while. I'm smiling more, I'm laughing up there now. I am.... a least... just for now it seems... doing this because this is what I love to do. I will enjoy it while it lasts Im sure it wont. But I will savor it just the same.

Sick and Tired and better again....

I wrote this a week ago and was too sick and tiered to even spell check it no less post it.......
It was a long time coming and it came..... I ran out of gas, Both ends of the candle met, I shot my load, I finished the entire cake, I walked a long walk off the short Pier, I came and I went, I feel off the wagon and got run over, I punched my last ticket. I crashed and burned.... But can I quit NEVER!

I came home a week ago Sunday and went to bed at 4 am as usual... and in the Morning had to get up early to take care of some family business. I was to work that night again in the city and was faced with that horrible question every mom asks herself around 4 pm... Whats for dinner??? Nothing. The fridge, freezer and cupboards were all empty with enough to throw a meal together. I had been meaning to take a nap but the cleaning people were on their way and I had to be up. ( I hired them because Im working so much My home has gottten too much for me and Hell Ive been cleaning for 25 years) Then they showed up 3 hours late and I could have napped. So once I let them in and gave my son the check for them... I headed to my favorite gate of Hell the suburban supermarket. I ran around the store just buying what ever I could just to have somethings to fall back on for dinner for the week. I got a large chicken and figured 2 dinners out of this bird. I picked up some turkey sausage and some fish and ran around like it was a timed cook off on Top Chef.

Just as I was heading around a corner I see someone I don't wish to see. Lets call her Lorraine Hersey. I used to play Mah Jongg with this woman 7 years ago ( before I started comedy) and I have known her for about 18 years. She is one of those people who runs hot and cold. One time you see her she is your best friend .... full of warmth and compliments...the next time its passive aggressive jabs. Always you have to hear how attractive her husband thinks she is, how she lives on the best street in town...the non view side by the way. Or how her job is so important and she couldn't be complete without it ...not to mention the very big salary she earns. In a word shes a pill. So when I saw her on the coffee Isle I decided we don't need any coffee and moved on to the next isle. Somehow 3 isles down I ran into her in front of the salad dressing. I had been annoyed with her since the last two times I saw her she asked me...... So you still doing your thing? My Thing? Yes its a little hobby I have. You know like your jogging 5 miles 7 days a week. My thing.

Why is it that I cant be a bitch at will. Why cant I bite the bullet and just say ... You know what Lorrine I don't really have the time or the patience to speak with you now. Besides your not interested and if you are its just to judge. Ba Bye. She says Hi. I say We always run into each other here, should have said.... I need to find a new place to shop. She says I hate shopping now. I say why is that. She says...everything is so expensive. I should have said.... but your so rich and thin you hardly eat and you can by all the rice cakes you want. No I say ... I got you beat I hated shopping even before when prices were lower. I have hated it for years. Pause, wheres the oriental dressing? She goes into expert mode and recommends a few and is very friendly. Fuck now I cant be a bitch... it would look unprovoked. The conversation move onto her kids and I mentioned my family's ongoing soap opera. Air kiss good bye. Truth is , I don't want an enemy. I'm a pussy. Because I do have enemies People who I detest.The thing is most of them have no Idea I don't like them.... that isn't the nice way to do things....and God Why do I like being so fucking nice. I don't detest this woman she is of no real harm to me. I don't like her because she isn't that nice, has an annoying voice and I feel often that she feels above me. That pisses me off. I also feel that she feels that she is skinny and that gives her an upper hand over me. She feels she is more in control. I do think that running outside when its 4 degrees is an addiction as much as a hobby and life choice. She is so unimportant to me. However if she was warm and seemed happy to see me the entire bad feelings would vaporise. Why do I even think about this.

The shopping took all of an half hour the check out took a half hour just to get to my turn. Attention store managers.... Your store is busy from 4 to 6. People are buying food for dinner..... hire some checkers and a few baggers while your at it...... its feels like this taking forever..... Paper or Plastic....No I need a gun....to take me out of this misery. This store pisses me off because they stare you down to bag your food. I'm tiered you bag it. So there I am bagging my food and I feel Dizzy. I'm sweaty. I pay and leave. I get home and I'm caring in the 15 bags of stuff that makes no rhyme or reason. My list I forgot to bring with me is sitting on the counter laughing at me. I read it.... not only did I forget the list... I forgot most of the items. I forgot the bread so no lunches...good one robin. i forgot the curry to make the soup I was planning on making with the cauliflower I just bought. I forgot the Chinese noodles that go into my Oriental chicken salad ....for the leftover chicken. No orange juice . I did remember cranberry sauce. I got to put it in the pantry along side of the 4 I already have in there.... terrific robin. I start dinner. Chicken cutlets and pasta. I treated myself to the thin sliced ones saving me the hour of slicing and pounding them myself. Done. While I'm cooking I notice how nice the house looks. All clean, everything put away. This will last all of an hour or two. My leg hurts me I get a stool and sit in front of the stove. I'm stirring sauce its 6pm I need to leave for work at 8. I'm stirring and my arm hurts like a dull ache and so does my back. I put up the water to boil . Put the sauce and the cheese on the cutlets and pre heat the oven to finish the meal. I set the dish in the fridge. I'm so tired I think to have a cup of coffee. I calculate my sleep from the night before 4 hours. I need a nap. I turn down the water to simmer put a lid on it and go to my room and hug the mattress. The imaginary referee in my head counts... ONE< TWO, Three four. I fall asleep ... I'm out. Carl comes home in an hour and sees how tired I am. I'm in a ball of sweat. My son had made the pasta and Carl put the cutlets in the hot oven . Dinner is ready its 7:30. I run into the shower. I'm at the table eating in my bathrobe. I eat a few bites I'm not hungry..............................?????????????????............. I get dressed put my make up on. Blow out my hair. Come down stairs and the den is a mess Carl's shoes are on the floor , my sons homework is on the coffee table , newspapers are on the sofa. The dishes are still on the table and so is the left over food. I quickly put foil on the food and shove it in the fridge. I go to put my shoes on and I feel like lead. Every joint hurts and my head is pounding. I had an upsetting weekend with family and a unhappy thought flashes in my head and I pour cold water on it. I grab my comedy book.... I get my coat. I open the garage door and step onto the first of 3 steps. Im on the second one and I turn around. I have so little energy climbing up the one step back into the house feels like climbing a mountain. I start to cry. I cant do it. I cant go to work. I cant drive, I cant think, I cant be funny.... I cant open the door its to big and heavy. I feel tears roll down my face. I open the door and call Carl. I tell him I cant go in. What am I going to tell the club manager? Its 8 pm and I'm supposed to host 2 shows and be on 4 of them. They will fire me. I sit on the stool by the stove and call my boss and tell him. I'm sick I'm hot and week and I don't know whats wrong with me. I think I could be getting the flu. Every muscle is killing me now. He tells me don't worry feel better. Its okay. I am more upset that I might loose my place at the club after all the hard work I have done ....than the fact that I am just about to pass out.

Its three days later and I'm at the Dr's office for the second time this week. I cant keep my head up. I had blood work done earlier in the week and the results showed that I am deficient in all my B Vitamins and that I am severely anemic. I am 5 points away from a transfusion. The rest of the testing isn't done. They should know by Monday. I have been on web md and diagnosed myself with Cancer, an ulcer, Fibromaragiea, Lyme Disease...and MS. That is when I ran to the doctor. So at this second visit they want me to start coming in for a B12 shot and I am taking iron pills for the anemia. I feel like shit. I am sleeping more than I'm awake for these past 3 days. The house has gone to hell....and so have I. I feel like a Hollywood starlets. Suffering from exhaustion. Without the press release or the fancy hospital.

When I get home the phone rings and its the club wanting my avails. I apologise for being sick and suggest they don't book me next week just in case I have to cancel..... I don't want to mess up the schedule. A huge sigh of relief is off my mind. I'm still working there. I am so insecure in this business that I feel I am not allowed to get sick..
I wake up the next morning Friday and call the booker for a show i am to do in Conn on Sat night. I called her when I got sick and told her my situation. She had a comic on hold just in case I didn't feel up to it. Were good friends and I'm a lucky girl to know her. Carl was to come with me so I wouldn't have to do the 3 hour drive myself.

It was hell getting there the traffic was unreal. It was my first time onstage in 6 days. Linda opened the show. Let me say that Linda Belt is one of the classiest women doing comedy that I have met so far. If you think that I'm nice...... I'm a bitch next to this woman. She is very talented and a rare mix of nice to everyone. She is very supportive and would give you the shirt off her back. She is my favorite female comic and we are so alike it feels like narcissism that I like her so much. She's great...shes like me. HA.
I had hoped to sleep in the car. Since the b12 shot and the iron pills I'm feeling alot better. We put our things in the hotel and I just want to go to bed. We had to eat... I just want to nap. I start to panic a bit about the show. I have my Jewish material .... but I feel off. I'm tiered. Nothing like earlier in the week but tiered. We eat and I feel a bit better I have coffee. We get to the show and Linda opens strong. Uh OH. I don't like following her. Shes so dam good. I feel myself getting psyched out. Then she gives me one of the nicest introductions I have ever gotten. I go up hug her and know I have her full support this woman wants me to kill. I do my Jewish jokes and it feels good to be up there. There Jews a bit on the more conservative side and most over 50. I don't curse, I tone it down. Its going well. I have 25 minutes to fill and as I'm up there I'm editing and refining. I leave out some of my normal jokes to make up for the 10 minutes of Jewish humor. The room is lit full and you can see everyone's face. A man around 75 is sleeping in the corner. One woman is laughing so hard shes scaring me. This guy over hear keeps hitting his wife and she is hitting him. Some lady right upfront is smiling but not laughing and nodding her head. Do I need to see all of you???? Go away... I like comedy the way I like sex.... in the dark with maybe a few candles or the bathroom light on...take your pick.

I flub a joke. Actually i did it right and stopped and thought I flubbed it. Oh fuck. I do it over and joke I'm having a senior moment. I finish the show with my standard closer. I end on a strong up note. Linda comes up and hugs me. I go down and go off to the bathroom. I go outside for some fresh air and check my phone. I am cold. I go to open the door of the Temple and the door is locked. While I'm freezing I am re assessing my entire life. So this is what this career is. This is my thing. I got paid very well tonight. I made what I used to make working part time an entire week in one night. I'm cold. Is it worth it. Robin the nerves and the ups and downs. Did that go well? Why did Carl make that face? Linda asked me if I was tiered? Do I look tiered. I see someone through the door I wave my arms they let me in. This is the most I have moved in 5 days.

On the car ride home Carl review my set. You didn't do this joke, where was that one. I had only 25 minutes I had to edit. Did I curse. No. We review. I'm hungry.
Thoughts drift though my head as we drive through the darkness. My parents, my family, my kids, my routine, my jokes, my brother, I pray I'm just anemic. I'm tired. Not physically right now. I'm brain tired. I need to be taken care of for a few days. I need to relax. I need to laugh and not be making others laugh. I need a big warm bed by myself. I need a beach....with no one I know and no one who cares how big my ass is. ... including me.

My brain cant seem to stop. Here I am all night instead of sleeping after last nights gig.... trying to figure it all out. I'm not working again till Thursday. I need to take time off. I'M booked solid till the end of June. I might take July off. Could I? I envy Adam for taking a new path. I have only one path. Work ...try to kill and more work trying to kill. It dawns on me... I'm killing myself. MY body cant do it. I'm too old. I need to figure it out before my body decides for me what I should do. I wish I was Lindsy or Paris... I need the structure of a rehab to figure out what should be next. I am addicted to proving I can MAKE IT in this business. I need to not prove it to myself. I know I'm a comic in every true sense of the word. I need to PROVE it on paper it seems. TO PROVE.... this is MY THING!! And its something!!! No wonder I won the last request contest. I want that Credit. I need Proof.

Epilogue--- I wrote this a week ago and am all better. I have anemia and I need to take iron and got a B12 shots. I had a virus that because I was so run down knocked me on my ass. I started back working last week and did just 2 sets one on Tues and one on Thursday. I then did Bob Levy's room out in Levittown PA on Friday and on Saturday. I am trying to limit myself to 4 nights a week till I feel 100%. I enjoyed doing comedy this week more than I have in ages. I do this for the love of it and working so hard and getting sick isn't any fun.