Sunday, October 23, 2011

Im all in...

So I am what Marc Marons called in his keynote speech "ALL IN"...... He spoke of how this life takes its toll and the sacrifices and torture we willingly endure because of this calling of sorts. This need to stand in a room and to be heard with the goal of making people laugh. I spoke to a dear comedy friend recently and he said, "we get paid not only for what we can do in front of an audience but also for all that we have sacrificed to be who we are and able to do what we do".


Some comics are better at keeping life balanced than others. I was fortunate in the fact that I had a family and husband to support me and our children. I remember talking to a female comic 8 yrs ago and I said how grateful I am to have a home and some comforts in life. How I see comics far more brave living on thin air and risking it all for comedy. She mentioned that when that I go home to a house and family . She spends night after night on a stool infront of a mic while her eggs are rotting . She now must be about 40?? I think of her all the time and what she was willing to risk. Is she famous NO? A normal person would say she bet wrong. I say she made her choice and comedy won. As it often does when your "ALL IN"


This life shapes you into something else your weren't before. Its like water falling on a rock one drip at a time you dont even see it happening till its too late to change most of the time. Even something as simple as years of waking up after most of the world has spent a third of their day awake. People know not to call till 10. If you have to be somewhere at 8 AM its like getting up in the middle of the night. I found myself never wanting to make plans with people because you know if you get a gig you will have to cancel so you never make plans and soon you dont have to because no one remembers you. Trying to find who you are on stage as you less and less know who you are off of it . Add to the mix if you have demons, addictions, and dysfunctions and its a very different sort of life. Sure we have a kinship with each other as comics but in the end what we do is very solitary. Most of the time we drive long hours alone, spend our days alone and its us on the mic alone. Demons grow if not kept in check in that environment of isolation and aloneness ... like mold on deli meat left to long in the fridge. For me smoking returned after quitting for 17 yrs my weight blew up again. I smoked out of nerves and boredom shortly after starting this. My relationship with food got crazy. Its not good to eat dinner in your car at 1 am alone I learned. You dont make the best food choices. I have since lost weight and quit smoking ( 8 yrs later). But comedy is an easy place for the worst to come out and take hold. If I didn't have to drive I am sure I would have been drinking too. The few times I have had a hotel to stay at if it was in the venue I have gotten plastered. I forgot I quit smoking too that night. God only knows if I was a road comic what would take hold. I am a determined person you have to be to do this. However weaknesses seem to thrive living this life too. Its a constant with me to try and stay in balance. Most of my work is fundraisers and corporate and private parties. I am alone 1/2 of the time. My husband often will drive me just so I have company.


I love when I get to do shows with other comics. My favorite part is the diner after where we can talk shop and just hang out. I miss the early years at the mics when I would be with dozens of other comics. My favorite part of bouncing around in NYC was seeing so many other comics and catching up. Driving 3 hours to a gig and home that night is not the same. Its not all fun and games. Its called work because it is.


All this said... I could never live the old way again. I remember as a kid in Jr high. I would walk in the cafeteria from table to table trying to figure out where I fit. I spent most lunches smoking in the girls room with the bad girls. I was far from one of them and didn't fit in here either but at least these girls were interesting. I never found my table to sit at in college, a work as a young single, as a wife and mother in the burbs or any where until I started my journey as a stand up. When I met my fellow comedians I knew I was home. It was the first time I felt I was where I belonged. I loved that Marc Maron mentioned all ways we go through this to find an audience ... from the coffee houses the mics to the bar shows and elks clubs with no guarantee of anything. From the open mic comic to The guys at the top who are doing this because were "ALL IN" We are a fellowship for sure. I love comedians who are "All in" because we are in this thing that only someone with no other choice would never want to do. I have seen people give up being doctors and lawyers and marriages and friends and health insurance and financial security and much more for this thing we have to do. It is pathetic and beautiful all at the same time. Sometimes something is so ugly that its humanity is a thing of beauty.


Lastly, I respect Marc for saying all he had to in front of industry. It needed to be said. Bless you Marc.