Blank and Blue

Last Weds night was my first night back at my home city club. It was great to see everyone again. One of the nicest things about working at city club is the variety of comedians I have gotten to know and work with. From newbies to seasoned pros at this for decades. What I like the most is that I feel like I am one of them the special breed of working city comics. Many of them hadn't heard about my brothers passing and it had been more than 6 weeks since I had been there. I was anxious most of the week thinking about getting up again. I am emotionally fragile and raw. I'm irritable and easily stirred up into an emotional snow ball. The fear of failing is overwhelming and I don't know if I can even deal with not doing well and fear it spinning me out of control and into a depression or worse making me want to give up.

My first show I hosted and it went better than I had hoped. I was on my game and actually had fun up there. All the fear went away with the first joke hitting hard. The second show was a 6 minute spot. I got up and I did my first joke to a mild response. The room was packed I felt nervous. Then during my second joke a kid yelled out " Nice Tits." I said " Did you just say Nice Tits? Well your the first in 2 decades thanks." I went into my next joke and his remarks and the feeling of not being in control of the room got to me...and unnerved me. I went to think of my next joke and got stuck in my head and not the moment. Then I blanked out. Nothing was in my arsenal of jokes. I stood there frozen. I then said" I'm feeling a little Rusty after being away for 6 weeks due to a death in my family and hey I'm old. Then out of no where I just abandoned my set and talked about how people showed up at the memorial who never ever came to my kids bar and bat mitzvahs, or my parents 50th or 60th anniversaries etc. Then I out of no where.... I made up a funny line about funerals and it got a good response. I said to the room and on that happy note I'm gonna say good night. Then I see the mc isnt in the room.... I then say or not. I ask the room to all at once on the count of 3 say the mc's name. Still no mc... So I launched into my dirty set and ended my misery. As I exited the show room I went up to the manager and told him, My first show I hosted was wonderful this one was not my best work. He told me not to worry and that I am just back and it will come back ..... just relax. I looked up and there was Carl my husband with our new puppy in his arms. He had driven me in for my first night back in the city and stand up.   He knew it might be a rough night and was right.

Let me say that puppies are an excellent way to prevent depression. I can never curl up and stay in bed all day , he needs to eat , to play, to go out, to play, to play , to show me how much he loves me. Sammy has been the single reason to smile many a day. Even so I hurt from the bad set. It lasted into the next day.

I was shaken and fearful of a show I was to do Sat. night. It was a private show booked by a club manager in the city. I mentioned to the Booker that I had been off for a while. He told me he knows I'm a pro and that I am a perfect match  for this show. I had 2 weeks to prepare and I would be fine. Well with 2 days to go before this show I wasn't so sure. I was being paid a very well to do a half hour. I would be doing this show alone. I took this gig the day after my brothers memorial and was full of self doubt and fear when I booked it.. Now after the rough night I was even more fearful. I was extremely irritable all day Thursday and Friday. Thursday I got a phone call that would add another ball in the air.

I was called by a local organization and asked if I can book a comic to do a half hour for high school and college kids. It was the staffs  year end party, for a day camp. I am not right for the gig and I had to think of someone to fill the show. It will take a special comic to do this show. I thought right away of Johnny Watson ,who I knew could do a show like this with one hand tied behind his back. Putting this thing together was far harder than I thought it would be. Johnny had a gig out of town he was trying to re arrange and I needed to find someone else just in case he couldn't do the show. It took me two days and hours of emails and phone calls to make it all come together. In the end,  Johnny couldn't make it and I booked Rodney Laney. I asked several other comics and it was stressing me out  and making me wish I just passed on the entire thing. I know Rodney is perfect for this show and I am sure he will be well received.

 My daughter was home from the city and needed to use my laptop. She went on to her Myspace. She then didn't sign out. I signed on  and by mistake entered the wrong email address and locked myself out of the site.....and I couldn't access my contacts and the rest of my page. I told myself not to panic and then something snapped inside me.  I had a complete and total melt down. I'm talking hysterical ..... not able to cope and crying and screaming my head off. Finally, I figured out what I needed to do to get back in to the site  and calmed down. I was shaken by my loss of control and outburst. I scared my college aged daughter.  She told me I had to take it easy and maybe was pushing myself too fast and hard.

During the day I spoke to a woman named Pat who books me from time to time here in NJ.   She is one of the nicest bookers I know.   I told her how fearful I was doing the one woman show the  Sat. to come.   She gave me some good advice and told me that I would be  fine.   The day of the show she even sent me an email wishing me good luck on the show that night.   You have to be grateful for people like this in your life.

 Later that day My teen age son came home from work  and was in a bad mood. I was in a bad mood. Then Carl came home in a bad mood and me and my son had a fight.   He spoke  fresh to me.... as most 16 year old boys can do at times... but my patience was long gone and missing.   My husband mixed  into the argument and made it far worse. We now were all at it.    I decided to leave the house and get a cup of coffee and cool off. I drove up the street and parked my car and waited to calm down before I  risked driving . I called Linda Belt a dear comedy friend and asked if she was booked this weekend.  I wanted to bail out of the gig.... something I have never done before for this reason.  It would be totally uncool for me to cancel but I was sure I was going to be spending the weekend in a mental hospital. The pressure of a one woman show riding only on me and being this upset following a blanking out onstage had me paralyzed. After not doing stand up for close to 8 weeks the subtleties of my jokes were missing from my brain. I could remember the jokes but not all the meat.  I was upset,  what was wrong???? It felt at that moment like everything.

Linda listened and told me she did have personal plans that night but she would break them to help me out. I knew if I backed out of this gig it would be a bad career move. I didn't know what I should do.   Just the fact that this woman was willing to break her plans and drive 6 hours from Ct to help me calmed me. The kindness was a huge emotional band aid. We were on the phone for close to 2 hours.

We even got off the topic of my shitty few days and my fear of doing the show. I found myself at one point in the conversation feeling much better and feeling like I was okay. Linda is a total pro. I like to think in this respect we are the same. Just talking to her reminded me of what we both do.  I consider her a total equal and somehow hearing her calm steady voice and confidence re-booted my emotional state and judgement.   I told her not to break her plans. That I would just do whatever I needed to to prepare and not only do well ....but  ace this show. I have to say to anyone doing stand up,  its so helpful to know you have a friend like this in comedy. A wing man,  a person who will have your back and that you would do the same for in a heartbeat. If you don't have one make it a goal if you do have someone like this  cherish them.  I had found myself in the calm and fun and caring of a friend.   I had gotten lost in the pressure, and fear of failure and the family frustrations.   I was able to see myself outside the drama.  I was able to know I would and could be okay.   ( or at least that is what I told myself)

I went home and locked myself in my room. I was to begin again getting ready for this show. I put my personal life and emotions on hold somehow.   The gig  was a 40th birthday party. No other info was available to me. I took out my 2 main comedy marble notebooks. I read them cover to cover. I notated the jokes I wanted to put in the set. I then drew up a set list. Then I wrote half of the set that was giving me trouble in long hand. Long hand- tattoos  in a sense the  jokes to the front of my brain. I then looked at the clock hopped in the shower and did my set out loud in the shower and timed it for the half hour, later I said it again. Then I wrote the set list from memory and checked the master list. It was all there.

 The next day I avoided my family and wrote my set list on my hand so I could look at it all day. I did the set again on the way to the grocery store and said the rest softly to myself holding my cell phone next to my ear pretending to talk on it as I continued to finish the rest of the set as I shopped for food.  Yes Im a " Tella-Phoney"   I glanced at my had a few times... as I drove home trying to drill it into my brain. I glanced at it and recited the list as I did laundry and made the beds. I ate dinner and read my book and the longhand versions of the jokes. As I drove to the gig I said the set out loud again....

 I left 2 hours ahead for a 50 minute drive. I wanted to get there and relax and go over my set and notes.  On arrival I checked in with the husband of the birthday girl. Okay it wasn't just women as I had been told. I can still do most of the jokes. I then asked about his wife. Was this a surprise party? Did she know? Who was in on the deception? Are your parents here? Is there anything out of bounds?? No F words... no problem. Nothing gross. I told him my gross and graphic joke..... he laughed and said it was funny. I shook his hand and told him I would be out by the bar and to call me when he needed me to start. I stuck my head in the room . Men and women 35 to 50. I can do this. I felt so prepared that  all the fear and dread had left me.

I opened up with crowd work. All in the moment and new. Nothing canned. I asked knowing the answer.... Did you know this was a surprise party? I asked who was in on it? I made a joke how she will never ever trust these deceivers again. I said how can you trust them?

 I then made a joke about them keeping secrets .... what else aren't you telling her etc. I then commented how fit she was for 40. Turns out shes a fit model. Sorta like a body builder but not so extreme. I said can I ask you a personal question. What size are you? She got embarrassed and wouldn't say. I made fun of her. She's ashamed shes just a 4 and not a 2. I know how you feel being a 14. I feel your pain. I had her and her husband.

I moved into my set and it was flawless. I forgot to be nervous. I was back. I couldn't have asked for a better set or response. I was filled with pride and relief. People came out to the bar and  were full of compliments.   I drove home happy.  Sunday I hoped that things would calm down on the family front and they did.  We all kissed and made up.

Last night I returned to the city for a full night of stand up.   I left with lots of time so as not to stress if there was traffic.  Turned out there was a ton of it.   I was listening to the car radio.   I was in a good mood.    Just then the Pretenders - I'll stand by you - was on the radio.   I was just turning the helix on the way into the Lincoln Tunnel when the singer kinda crys the lyric...... I started to cry!!!    It took me by such a surprise.     I wasn't feeling emotional.   I cried my way through the entire tunnel.   As I hit the other side  I felt  better for having cried.   I cried because I was remembering my brother seeing me perform in the city.    He would come and shadow me the entire night.   He loved coming with me.   He would root for me and pump me up.    I needed him tonight and he was gone.  

  I was booked on the 7:30 the family show.   I was nervous.  It was an 10 minute set and  Its different every show.   I like to do the set not as a firm set like my weekend show was.   I have an arsenal of material and choose each joke as I go.  Feeding off each response from the joke before.   It went very well.   I was hosting the 9:30 and the 10:30 double hosting.  No stress here.....NOT.    I went to the manager and asked if this was a mistake and he said, no its easy.    That's  3 hours of hosting.    I decided to do a strong 8 minutes right upfront with limited crowd work.   It worked!   I just made the jokes seem more conversational in tone.    Was it a killer set ....No, but it opened the room.   I did a few one liners in each show in between comics amounting to little or no time.

 Then I did a 10 minute set on the 11:30 it was a solid fun set.   My Pal, Laurence Mallroony who I met from Philly's funniest contest a few years earlier was on the show.    He watched the set and said .... Solid.    I felt it in my bones.  It was.   As I got ready to leave the club I was squaring up things at the front desk when the opener for the 12:30 hadn't shown.    I asked should I hang around you need another comic?   Yeah! Let Robin open shes strong she can do it with no problem.   Oy.... dont jinx me.   Laurence opened the show.  They were a typical thuggy 12:30 show, young rowdy  crowd.   They were shouting out and a sure sign of things to come. Before the show even started they  were going up on the stage and fooling around.   Fear returned.

Couldn't leave well enough alone Robin!!!  Had to open your mouth and now do this.    I came up with a game plan.   I would address the rowdy girls who were celebrating  a birthday.    The loudest one had very large breasts.   Not fake ones just large ones.  Grandma large not Pam Anderson large.   I get up and say Happy Birthday !!!  I sing ?  " Its your birthday ... happy birthday....   How old are you?   She says 27....  I say you looked young ,your boobs are still perky......  the room roared.   She had announced to the mc that they were like double ffs.    I went on to say that considering how large they were  them being perky was quite a big deal.   Then I shamed the audience.   I said like you didn't see them walking in the room 10 minutes before she got here Noooooo!!!!    I was in the zone.   They were with me and I was with them.   I did a take no prisoners set.   Raw and tight....  I did new stuff and old .... I zigged and zagged  .... I had an A plus set.  Then as I left the stage the mc high fived me and said Way to go Babe.   I walked past the next comic who is a good pal and he said......... How am I gonna follow that???   I said," Very well... that's how". 

  I drove home ..... from my other home on  the stage.  It was good to be back.