Blank and Blue

Last Weds night was my first night back at my home city club. It was great to see everyone again. One of the nicest things about working at city club is the variety of comedians I have gotten to know and work with. From newbies to seasoned pros at this for decades. What I like the most is that I feel like I am one of them the special breed of working city comics. Many of them hadn't heard about my brothers passing and it had been more than 6 weeks since I had been there. I was anxious most of the week thinking about getting up again. I am emotionally fragile and raw. I'm irritable and easily stirred up into an emotional snow ball. The fear of failing is overwhelming and I don't know if I can even deal with not doing well and fear it spinning me out of control and into a depression or worse making me want to give up.

My first show I hosted and it went better than I had hoped. I was on my game and actually had fun up there. All the fear went away with the first joke hitting hard. The second show was a 6 minute spot. I got up and I did my first joke to a mild response. The room was packed I felt nervous. Then during my second joke a kid yelled out " Nice Tits." I said " Did you just say Nice Tits? Well your the first in 2 decades thanks." I went into my next joke and his remarks and the feeling of not being in control of the room got to me...and unnerved me. I went to think of my next joke and got stuck in my head and not the moment. Then I blanked out. Nothing was in my arsenal of jokes. I stood there frozen. I then said" I'm feeling a little Rusty after being away for 6 weeks due to a death in my family and hey I'm old. Then out of no where I just abandoned my set and talked about how people showed up at the memorial who never ever came to my kids bar and bat mitzvahs, or my parents 50th or 60th anniversaries etc. Then I out of no where.... I made up a funny line about funerals and it got a good response. I said to the room and on that happy note I'm gonna say good night. Then I see the mc isnt in the room.... I then say or not. I ask the room to all at once on the count of 3 say the mc's name. Still no mc... So I launched into my dirty set and ended my misery. As I exited the show room I went up to the manager and told him, My first show I hosted was wonderful this one was not my best work. He told me not to worry and that I am just back and it will come back ..... just relax. I looked up and there was Carl my husband with our new puppy in his arms. He had driven me in for my first night back in the city and stand up.   He knew it might be a rough night and was right.

Let me say that puppies are an excellent way to prevent depression. I can never curl up and stay in bed all day , he needs to eat , to play, to go out, to play, to play , to show me how much he loves me. Sammy has been the single reason to smile many a day. Even so I hurt from the bad set. It lasted into the next day.

I was shaken and fearful of a show I was to do Sat. night. It was a private show booked by a club manager in the city. I mentioned to the Booker that I had been off for a while. He told me he knows I'm a pro and that I am a perfect match  for this show. I had 2 weeks to prepare and I would be fine. Well with 2 days to go before this show I wasn't so sure. I was being paid a very well to do a half hour. I would be doing this show alone. I took this gig the day after my brothers memorial and was full of self doubt and fear when I booked it.. Now after the rough night I was even more fearful. I was extremely irritable all day Thursday and Friday. Thursday I got a phone call that would add another ball in the air.

I was called by a local organization and asked if I can book a comic to do a half hour for high school and college kids. It was the staffs  year end party, for a day camp. I am not right for the gig and I had to think of someone to fill the show. It will take a special comic to do this show. I thought right away of Johnny Watson ,who I knew could do a show like this with one hand tied behind his back. Putting this thing together was far harder than I thought it would be. Johnny had a gig out of town he was trying to re arrange and I needed to find someone else just in case he couldn't do the show. It took me two days and hours of emails and phone calls to make it all come together. In the end,  Johnny couldn't make it and I booked Rodney Laney. I asked several other comics and it was stressing me out  and making me wish I just passed on the entire thing. I know Rodney is perfect for this show and I am sure he will be well received.

 My daughter was home from the city and needed to use my laptop. She went on to her Myspace. She then didn't sign out. I signed on  and by mistake entered the wrong email address and locked myself out of the site.....and I couldn't access my contacts and the rest of my page. I told myself not to panic and then something snapped inside me.  I had a complete and total melt down. I'm talking hysterical ..... not able to cope and crying and screaming my head off. Finally, I figured out what I needed to do to get back in to the site  and calmed down. I was shaken by my loss of control and outburst. I scared my college aged daughter.  She told me I had to take it easy and maybe was pushing myself too fast and hard.

During the day I spoke to a woman named Pat who books me from time to time here in NJ.   She is one of the nicest bookers I know.   I told her how fearful I was doing the one woman show the  Sat. to come.   She gave me some good advice and told me that I would be  fine.   The day of the show she even sent me an email wishing me good luck on the show that night.   You have to be grateful for people like this in your life.

 Later that day My teen age son came home from work  and was in a bad mood. I was in a bad mood. Then Carl came home in a bad mood and me and my son had a fight.   He spoke  fresh to me.... as most 16 year old boys can do at times... but my patience was long gone and missing.   My husband mixed  into the argument and made it far worse. We now were all at it.    I decided to leave the house and get a cup of coffee and cool off. I drove up the street and parked my car and waited to calm down before I  risked driving . I called Linda Belt a dear comedy friend and asked if she was booked this weekend.  I wanted to bail out of the gig.... something I have never done before for this reason.  It would be totally uncool for me to cancel but I was sure I was going to be spending the weekend in a mental hospital. The pressure of a one woman show riding only on me and being this upset following a blanking out onstage had me paralyzed. After not doing stand up for close to 8 weeks the subtleties of my jokes were missing from my brain. I could remember the jokes but not all the meat.  I was upset,  what was wrong???? It felt at that moment like everything.

Linda listened and told me she did have personal plans that night but she would break them to help me out. I knew if I backed out of this gig it would be a bad career move. I didn't know what I should do.   Just the fact that this woman was willing to break her plans and drive 6 hours from Ct to help me calmed me. The kindness was a huge emotional band aid. We were on the phone for close to 2 hours.

We even got off the topic of my shitty few days and my fear of doing the show. I found myself at one point in the conversation feeling much better and feeling like I was okay. Linda is a total pro. I like to think in this respect we are the same. Just talking to her reminded me of what we both do.  I consider her a total equal and somehow hearing her calm steady voice and confidence re-booted my emotional state and judgement.   I told her not to break her plans. That I would just do whatever I needed to to prepare and not only do well ....but  ace this show. I have to say to anyone doing stand up,  its so helpful to know you have a friend like this in comedy. A wing man,  a person who will have your back and that you would do the same for in a heartbeat. If you don't have one make it a goal if you do have someone like this  cherish them.  I had found myself in the calm and fun and caring of a friend.   I had gotten lost in the pressure, and fear of failure and the family frustrations.   I was able to see myself outside the drama.  I was able to know I would and could be okay.   ( or at least that is what I told myself)

I went home and locked myself in my room. I was to begin again getting ready for this show. I put my personal life and emotions on hold somehow.   The gig  was a 40th birthday party. No other info was available to me. I took out my 2 main comedy marble notebooks. I read them cover to cover. I notated the jokes I wanted to put in the set. I then drew up a set list. Then I wrote half of the set that was giving me trouble in long hand. Long hand- tattoos  in a sense the  jokes to the front of my brain. I then looked at the clock hopped in the shower and did my set out loud in the shower and timed it for the half hour, later I said it again. Then I wrote the set list from memory and checked the master list. It was all there.

 The next day I avoided my family and wrote my set list on my hand so I could look at it all day. I did the set again on the way to the grocery store and said the rest softly to myself holding my cell phone next to my ear pretending to talk on it as I continued to finish the rest of the set as I shopped for food.  Yes Im a " Tella-Phoney"   I glanced at my had a few times... as I drove home trying to drill it into my brain. I glanced at it and recited the list as I did laundry and made the beds. I ate dinner and read my book and the longhand versions of the jokes. As I drove to the gig I said the set out loud again....

 I left 2 hours ahead for a 50 minute drive. I wanted to get there and relax and go over my set and notes.  On arrival I checked in with the husband of the birthday girl. Okay it wasn't just women as I had been told. I can still do most of the jokes. I then asked about his wife. Was this a surprise party? Did she know? Who was in on the deception? Are your parents here? Is there anything out of bounds?? No F words... no problem. Nothing gross. I told him my gross and graphic joke..... he laughed and said it was funny. I shook his hand and told him I would be out by the bar and to call me when he needed me to start. I stuck my head in the room . Men and women 35 to 50. I can do this. I felt so prepared that  all the fear and dread had left me.

I opened up with crowd work. All in the moment and new. Nothing canned. I asked knowing the answer.... Did you know this was a surprise party? I asked who was in on it? I made a joke how she will never ever trust these deceivers again. I said how can you trust them?

 I then made a joke about them keeping secrets .... what else aren't you telling her etc. I then commented how fit she was for 40. Turns out shes a fit model. Sorta like a body builder but not so extreme. I said can I ask you a personal question. What size are you? She got embarrassed and wouldn't say. I made fun of her. She's ashamed shes just a 4 and not a 2. I know how you feel being a 14. I feel your pain. I had her and her husband.

I moved into my set and it was flawless. I forgot to be nervous. I was back. I couldn't have asked for a better set or response. I was filled with pride and relief. People came out to the bar and  were full of compliments.   I drove home happy.  Sunday I hoped that things would calm down on the family front and they did.  We all kissed and made up.

Last night I returned to the city for a full night of stand up.   I left with lots of time so as not to stress if there was traffic.  Turned out there was a ton of it.   I was listening to the car radio.   I was in a good mood.    Just then the Pretenders - I'll stand by you - was on the radio.   I was just turning the helix on the way into the Lincoln Tunnel when the singer kinda crys the lyric...... I started to cry!!!    It took me by such a surprise.     I wasn't feeling emotional.   I cried my way through the entire tunnel.   As I hit the other side  I felt  better for having cried.   I cried because I was remembering my brother seeing me perform in the city.    He would come and shadow me the entire night.   He loved coming with me.   He would root for me and pump me up.    I needed him tonight and he was gone.  

  I was booked on the 7:30 the family show.   I was nervous.  It was an 10 minute set and  Its different every show.   I like to do the set not as a firm set like my weekend show was.   I have an arsenal of material and choose each joke as I go.  Feeding off each response from the joke before.   It went very well.   I was hosting the 9:30 and the 10:30 double hosting.  No stress here.....NOT.    I went to the manager and asked if this was a mistake and he said, no its easy.    That's  3 hours of hosting.    I decided to do a strong 8 minutes right upfront with limited crowd work.   It worked!   I just made the jokes seem more conversational in tone.    Was it a killer set ....No, but it opened the room.   I did a few one liners in each show in between comics amounting to little or no time.

 Then I did a 10 minute set on the 11:30 it was a solid fun set.   My Pal, Laurence Mallroony who I met from Philly's funniest contest a few years earlier was on the show.    He watched the set and said .... Solid.    I felt it in my bones.  It was.   As I got ready to leave the club I was squaring up things at the front desk when the opener for the 12:30 hadn't shown.    I asked should I hang around you need another comic?   Yeah! Let Robin open shes strong she can do it with no problem.   Oy.... dont jinx me.   Laurence opened the show.  They were a typical thuggy 12:30 show, young rowdy  crowd.   They were shouting out and a sure sign of things to come. Before the show even started they  were going up on the stage and fooling around.   Fear returned.

Couldn't leave well enough alone Robin!!!  Had to open your mouth and now do this.    I came up with a game plan.   I would address the rowdy girls who were celebrating  a birthday.    The loudest one had very large breasts.   Not fake ones just large ones.  Grandma large not Pam Anderson large.   I get up and say Happy Birthday !!!  I sing ?  " Its your birthday ... happy birthday....   How old are you?   She says 27....  I say you looked young ,your boobs are still perky......  the room roared.   She had announced to the mc that they were like double ffs.    I went on to say that considering how large they were  them being perky was quite a big deal.   Then I shamed the audience.   I said like you didn't see them walking in the room 10 minutes before she got here Noooooo!!!!    I was in the zone.   They were with me and I was with them.   I did a take no prisoners set.   Raw and tight....  I did new stuff and old .... I zigged and zagged  .... I had an A plus set.  Then as I left the stage the mc high fived me and said Way to go Babe.   I walked past the next comic who is a good pal and he said......... How am I gonna follow that???   I said," Very well... that's how". 

  I drove home ..... from my other home on  the stage.  It was good to be back. 

And then there were two.

Once again thanks to all who wished me condolences on my brothers passing. So how am I? Miserable. The last time I blogged I mentioned how my brother had lived in Ca. and that he chose to be cremated. It takes over a week to process a body and that caused a delay in the funeral for him. Shiva the Jewish mourning period couldn't begin till after he was cremated. In Most cases Jews are buried within one day of death and the mourning starts. It has become clear to me in a very real way that the worst thing that can happen for a person who is grieving is to be alone. The Friday after my brother died was a private hell for me. I cant begin to express the level of grief I felt. It was not only emotional it was physically painful. The night of Craig's passing my Brother Gary and my sister in law Angela met up at my parents home. My brother was to give my parents the sad news and I arrived a few moments later. I had had the horrible job of telling my mom in April how sick Craig was and how dire the situation was. We didn't want to burden my mom with the worry which goes along with a prolonged illness and had Craig and I had decided that it was best to not tell our mom till there was no possible chance for recovery.
My mom our entire life would say that there is nothing worse than to have to outlive your own child. I think she is right and her words were prophetic.

Sad as it was there was some kind of strength in us all being together. We all still knew we had each other and that somehow together we would make through this.
Friday since there wasn't as normally there might have been a funeral.... life when on around us as normal. Normal wasn't what I needed and after living a day of pain and unending grief. I decided that since Shiva would be delayed. ( Shiva is like a wake after the burial without the body in the room. It lasts several days and friends and family and love ones come to pay their condolences. Once again it is a way to help the mourner know that life will continue and that they have much good still in their lives even with the devastation a loss of a loved one brings.) I told my mom we would let friends and family know that we would instead of Shiva start having condolence calls at my moms home starting the next Monday evening.

At first we were going to have to do it at my home 18 miles from my parents home. I didn't want to have it at my parents house. Here was the problem. My mom is 83 and my dad is 87 and needs a walker. My mom takes care of my dad and a 4 bedroom house. She keeps the house very tidy, everything is in its place and with 80 plus year old eyes to my mom it appeared to be clean. It wasn't. Every light switch was black,  the kitchen cabinets had a film of grease and the refrigerator door was filthy. The carpets all looked vacuumed with lines from the machine yet the rugs had dirt and stuff all over them. My mom hadn't replaced the bag and was just running over the dirt. The bathrooms were horrible. Mold on the shower ceiling and the shower door looked frosted and it wasn't. There was a smell throughout the home. Old people house smell. It would make me ill to be in this house. Every drinking glass had a film on it. I would cry when I would go there and argue with my mom to let me or some cleaning people come in to do a deep clean. Mom would be horribly insulted and say that her home was clean. So when It was decided that the Mock Shiva was going to be at moms home I had to have a talk with her. The only conversation that was more difficult was the one when I told her about Craig's illness. She got very insulted and said no. I had to take out the big guns and tell her that she had no say in the matter. That she would have to trust me on this .....her house was dirty and if we were to have people in it had to be cleaned. I pointed out the dirt and she balked that it wasn't dirty. That she had just cleaned it a day or two ago. Finally I told her that I wanted to pay for it .... she said that that wasn't the point she had the money. Then I told her mom do it for me. Make me happy. It hurt me to tell her ... your house is dirty, but it is and that she should just trust me on this. She backed down.

Monday morning 4 women showed up at her home and spent 5 hours cleaning. That's 20 hours of cleaning a so called "not dirty house" My mom the first hour sat on the sofa depressed. Some time during the second hour when the women got on step stools and cleaned her 15 feet by 8 foot wall of mirrors she came around. These women performed a miracle of sorts. I cleaned while they did to get my mind out of my head and spent an hour wiping down the filthy refrigerator door and cabinet fronts. The cabinets were beige and by the end of the day they were back to off white. My mom was amazed when she went into her bathroom and saw the difference right away. She actually was happy. The house smelled like it did when I lived there as a kid , clean and with a faint scent of pine. My mom went up to the kitchen sink and said. What did they clean this with... I wash this sink everyday it looks brand new .....and it did. It took a 26 year old 15 minutes of scrubbing to do it and that is what they used....

Most of my parents friends showed up during the day. My husband notified our friends and to my joy so many of them came by each night. Jeanie Knoll and her husband Matt stopped in the first night and I was so touched by their kindness. Relatives showed up too. It was funny some of my relatives showed up for this occasion who never would come to a happy event like an anniversary party or a Bat Mitzvah. Why are people like this.?? Is it that they are there for you when your down because no one wants to have to be alone when they face a sad time? Are they putting it in the bank for when its there turn to mourn so they know you will return the favor when they need you?  Or is it that when you have a happy occasion that they cant share in your happiness and are only there for you when your miserable? I guess its a case by case situation.

Tuesday night was especially nice. Sean Eli and Adam Sank drove out to my parents home to pay me a condolence call. They both came with food, Shaun with cookies and Adam with a huge bowl of buckwheat soba noodles that he carried on his lap for an hour. I loved that they came. First of all Sean has always been a good comedy pal of mine and is a good guy through and through. Adam is the love of my comedy life. He is the Gay son,kid and brother I will never have and always wanted. He met my whacked out family at their fullest form. I had a relative that for years I have suspected to be gay. I was able to have Adam track his Gaydar on him. The scan was negative. Just hours later I was to find out my relative was in love with a woman and just bought a big boat and was planning to sail into the sunset with her. My relative is short and over weight..... so maybe the reason he didn't have a woman in his life was he wasn't successful enough to attract the kind of woman  he would want till he was in his 50s?  Well good for him! I wish him years of happiness and if he gets married to her will be sure if he invites me to dance my ass off at his wedding. At some point in the evening Sean and Adam and I went into the dining room for some desserts and were talking with my family. I mentioned that I had cancelled all of my July gigs and half of Augusts too. I just don't feel funny. I hate comedy at the moment.
Adam looked at me and said..." Your coming to my last show at Therapy this Sunday right??! It wont be the same with out you. He said he'd understand if I couldn't but if somehow I could he really wanted me there. It felt good to be needed but that wasn't enough. The truth is I am so sad to see Adam go. How could I let him leave and not be there at this show? How could I turn him down? I told him I would be there but didn't know if I would be any good in the state I was in.

Thursday was the first day alone since our Mock shiva. My grief returned. My brother wasn't himself before he passed and had said some hurtful things to me. The pain none the less of these words played in my head and I have cried so hard at times I thought I might never stop. I am impossible to live with. I'm bitchy and irritable . On a day to day basis the one happy thing has been my new puppy. I got him June 29th. His name is Samson and he is a miniature poodle and a ball of black fluff. He is a living beaniee baby.
Sammy is so full of life and forces me to be happy.

I had written a few jokes for Adams Roast a few weeks before all of this. Some were better than others. I didn't have enough jokes. I had done one Roast 2 years ago and for 6 weeks I worked on a set and it killed. Here it was just a few days before hand and I had to write something special for someone whom I love no less. Roast jokes....( yes finally something about me and comedy) are a special kind of joke. Hopefully the Audience would all know Adam but you have to write also as if they don't know him and your filling them in on what you know about the Roastee in a funny insulting way. The jokes have to stand alone even if you don't know the person, but to be special they should hit home hard. I wrote about 10 jokes. I had about a 4 to 5 minute set.

I was dreading the show. I couldn't put my finger on what the dread was. Yes I dreaded that Adam going  away ...but there is a big part of me that is so thrilled and happy for Adam, so I don't think that was it. What it was truly.... I didn't want to fail , I couldn't emotionally handle doing this show in the state I was in and have to deal with the pain of bombing too. I hate shows that have alot riding on them. Auditions, large events where I headline or charity functions where someone has put all their faith in me for that one performance. Being emotionally fragile made me so fearful and anxious. I stayed in bed most of the day. I put off writing a set list till the last minute. I left the house for the city cutting it very close to being there on time. I had to bring Sammy because my daughter wanted to see him and I had promised a few days earlier. I spent 15 minutes trying to convince a suburban puppy that it was okay to do his business on a sidewalk. He wouldn't go and didn't the entire night....even after Sarah got him at the club just a few minutes before showtime.

The club was packed standing room only. It was hot in there. Adam took the stage to welcome everyone. He got a standing ovation. The night had special all over it. All the comics had worked very hard on their material. The jokes were strong,  some delivered the new material better than others. Some by never doing these jokes before went a bit too long in their sets but really the show was strong and  as strong  as many professional roasts I have seen before. The comics not only made fun of Adam but of each other. There were several jokes about my advanced age. Youngsters....you wait you'll be old too someday if your lucky. There were several jokes about my dry pussy, etc. At the end of the night Adam came up for his responses and really knew me better than anyone and had some killer jokes and lines and did a  slaying of me. He even made fun of my brothers passing and it was hysterical.

I'm getting ahead of myself here. Lets go back. So when the show started Adam said the names of each comic and the line up to the audience. The audience clapped as they are trained to do. Then Adam said and The mother of all comedians is here tonight Robin Fox and the room roared and applauded noticeably louder as they heard my name . It felt wonderful. It was a core feeling, the feeling that is why I do stand up. Yes the artistry and creative process is a driving force... but the sound of over 150 people cheering for me fills my spirit and ego like nothing else. It wasn't that they liked me more than the others that made me happy... it was they knew me and were happy and excited that I was there.

I sat and listed to the show. Rethinking some of my jokes. I went over a couple with Chantal Carraro and she gave me some information that I could use to make a joke I had stronger. I was second to last and worried that the room would be tired , hot an exhausted by my turn. When I took the stage, I was home. Therapy is my best room. I actually have fans in that room and a good set is about as close to a sure thing for me. I made a comment to Brad saying....Nice Mom Jeans which it thought of on the spot. Feeling good enough to ad lib is always a good sign that I'm in the right place. I put my notes on the podium and did these 10 jokes for the first time. I knew from experience that as important as material is that the context is often far more important than the content. I was the context. I was in my zone. How I got there is a complete mystery to me. The only time I failed to have a truly great set in this room was the night that all the Therapy all starts were there for the golden globes and I wanted to do as well if not better than the city headliners and regulars. I was in a competitive mode and not up to the challenge that night. This night there was none of that. I didn't have to be the best.... I just didn't want to bomb or to let Adam down ....compacted by the fear of failing in front of my peers. Tonight On Kathy Griffin my Life on the D list she bombed in a room in Tahiti. She made a few comments that I could relate to and have thought myself before. I was thrilled and felt like wow I am a comic just like she is....maybe not as talented or famous on the G list but we react to the same things. She said that bombing is awful and only made worse when you have people you know see it happen. Mario Cantone was there and her failure only felt worse for it. She and he also said that they freaked out when the audience is lit. Who wants to be stared at it throws you off. Mairo said that he likes darkness and the laughter of ghosts to just fill the room. I have said ... I like doing stand up like I like sex... in the dark.

Back to the roast- I had a fantastic tight little set. I ad lib-ed twice and one joke about how Jackie Monahan was too pretty to be a lesbian wasn't on my paper  or even a joke it was just a thought  I had  I ad libed  some thoughts on stage and I killed with it. I made it up as I went along. It was so exciting and I actually felt joy. The one joke I was most proud of was about Tom Ragu whom I just met a few months ago who just adore. I said.... Tom Ragu is so fat his blood type is Elizabeth Taylor. I didn't care what the audience thought. I knew some of them would be too young to get it but to the ones who did, it would kill and that's just what happened. I commented to the crowd that I wrote that joke at one of the lowest moments in my life and that if I could do that It makes me know I can go on. I said .... that joke I did for me. I had a confidence and a command that surprised even me. I made Adam and the room laugh and my jokes about him were for the most part silly and gentle. I never felt more like a comedian than I did that night. I shined amongst my peers  and I did what I thought I couldn't do... I pushed through the fear if only for loving Adam and wanting to do right by our friendship and I know somehow I will be okay and want to perform again soon.

Today was a hard day. I isolated myself and called no one. I slept most of the day in a depressed stupor. My husband took me out to dinner. After we finishes we got into conversation with the couple next to us. Just talking and being with people made me feel good. I went home and charged my cell phone which has been dead since the day after My brother passed. I took no calls on it...it is mostly only for work. There was a message from my home club saying they miss me and I should take as much time as I need. They also said... your spots are waiting for you as soon as your ready. I was touched. It was so decent in a business that often isn't. I have my brothers memorial service next Weds morning. I am going to call my avails in for the week to follow. I need to be with people ... I need to go back to being me. I don't know if the pain of this loss will ever leave me . I do know that the joy in what I can do is a huge part of me. I do it because its who I am and I love it most of all when I can make a room full of strangers my friends.

The above was written one week ago....
Since then I have been up and down emotionally. I haven't performed. I just was asked by a pretty big person in comedy to do a private party next Sat night. It is the perfect gig to get back on my feet. Its a 40th birthday party for a woman...and her friends. I was honored to be asked and I will be the only one performing. What touched me so was what the booker said about me and why he was hiring me. It feels good to have the respect of someone in his position. Yesterday Weds was Craig's NJ Memorial Service. I spoke at the service. For someone who writes and performs for a living I was blank as to what to write about my brother. The pain was too sharp for me to think clearly. Finally like the night before a term paper I wrote something down.... I don't know if it is proper to post this but somehow I feel I should. I know I will be all right. It just has been very emotional, without my brother passing just spending this much time with others who also are grieving and raw is difficult. Mostly being around me has been difficult. I did have a few bright moments... Going to Adams Roast was one and Adams going away party was the other. I feel much better in the presence of friends and other comics. I will be starting to work as of next week , I need to work.... I am sad today and happy that Adam is beginning his new life with Rob in California. Endings lead to new beginnings. I need to begin again.

The following was the draft I read at my brothers memorial.

I grew up youngest sister with two older brothers. As a little girl I dearly loved, idolized and feared this twosome.
My brother Craig being the oldest dominated the pack. My brother was a super hero to me. He was a big ham and to me it looked like he was having all the fun. He could ride a two wheeler, he performed in plays, there was nothing he couldn't do. One of my earliest memories of Craig was him being on TV in a tele-play of Jack and the Bean Stalk. As a young teen he was on TV on Zacharie's dance show. He played Hockey and my brother Gary and I would drive in the middle of the night with my mom to his games held before dawn. Craig taught me to skate by him and Mitch Buno each grabbing an arm and fast as lightening pulling me screaming around the rink and then letting me go.

To me it looked like Craig was popular and cool and hip. He wore a fringed suede coat drove a motorcycle and dated all the pretty girls in High School. He was handsome and it looked like life was a big party and he was the coolest one in the room. My brother was too cool to be bothered by a kid sister more than  8 years younger than him. I remember being sad and depressed when I was just 11 and he left for college. I felt abandoned and lost.

Yet Craig would want to help me in life. He would point out sometimes the obvious to me and change my point of view. After college when I was 16 he moved back east and we became closer. He live nearby in Watchung and I would visit him and we would talk. I was in love with someone who didn't love me and Craig tried to get me to see it from another angle. Craig was able to communicate to me possibilities.

No one I knew was more determined than him. Craig was larger than life to me growing up. When I didn't know where to go to college he guided me to Boston. Whenever he came home and I was away he found me and came to visit me. Once while I was away at camp and once while I was in College at BU.

We spent many years in a long distance relationship. I flew out to Arizona once while he was in Grad School and spent spring break with him. There were many years far too many years were we didn't connect. We both believed the illusion that time was unlimited.
Most of my 20s and into my early 30s we spoke seldom. He came to my wedding and I and my husband visited him the year after our marriage in Fresno where he finally settled and raised his own family.

Craig came home for Josh's Bris and when Andy his second son came along. He was home for My brother Gary's wedding too. Then we went though the Telephone years. Where we talked often late in the night for many hours at a time. Part phone visit part therapy we examined our lives and upbringing together and shared intimately with each other. Around the time of Craig's divorce we pulled apart. There were misunderstandings many slights and hurts shared by us both. Just about 5 years ago we found each other again. Craig emailed me he had found me on the Comedy Soapbox and left me a comment on my page. He left a funny and beautiful comment full of love and encouragement.

When Andy his son was in the Army in Iraq we spoke on the phone and started to email each other more often. Though our lives didnt intersect often .... I had an un-dieing love and devotion and affection for my big brother Craig. He in life was the Indian Guide or Space monkey if you will .... older and wiser and full of knowledge, power and wisdom.

Then one horrible morning the phone rang. It was the first Tuesday in November two years ago. That night I had an audition for a comedy festival and tickets to see Jersey Boys. The phone even rang ominously. I saw the caller Id and could tell just by his voice that something was wrong. Craig in tears told me he was going to die he has esophageal cancer.

Life as I knew it stopped. Time wasn't unlimited. My brother was on the clock. He asked me to help him with some logistical things and we just cried with each other.
I called my husband and we both cried on the phone. I then sat down and wrote my dear brother an email promising him we would fight this together and that I would be there for him.

I flew out to Fresno 3 times during his illness. I came with alot of emotional baggage. Craig has a beautiful home and was so proud of it. Craig had an intensity to him that had helped him succeed in life, but was difficult at time if you were not on board with him. As soon as I entered the house he had jobs for me to do. I helped him with his expense lists and organized his bills and even changed his air conditioner filter. Craig became as hyper aware and controlling of his environment during his illness. He grabbed hold of this control as his life spun out of control due to his illness. His home amazed me. It was nothing like what I expected. It was warm and cosy and much homier than I had expected. Craig as it turned out was very sentimental and had photos all ove his home of everyone he loved and cherished. To my surprise Mr. cool had photos of our late  grandmother we called Nana in every room, by his desk and even next to his bed side.

His music room was filled to the brim and I helped him put some things in order. Deb his fiancee painstakingly organized the 1000s of magic tricks he had and self taught himself and mastered. I learned so much from Craig's home. We had similar tastes in alot of our home furnishings etc... Craig loved his home. He had 100s of friends and he received 100s of cards wishing him good health from friends and patience alike. Many notes and cards were filled with letters of gratitude from a patients telling Craig how he impacted their lives and thanked him for  helping them to turn their lives around.

Craig loved his yard and landscaping, the fruit trees and plants. He loved Deb and his sons. he cherished his friends and he knew everyone in town. You couldn't go to a coffee shop or store with our several people stopping to say hello and chat. He loved his pets and Gabrilla the pit bull especially. This dog was so devoted to Craig and when he was going through the rigors of chemo wouldn't leave his side. Craig had a Big life.

We didn't do much when I visited. I came as much to give Deb a break from the constant care she lovingly gave to my brother. As Craig put it..." I'm a hand full". Craig and I during these visits bonded closer than ever. I was in many ways the next best thing to a mom. I'm good at mothering I guess. We talked and we went through our lives and righted and hurt or wrongs even the smallest.

For most of my life I was intimidated by Craig. No more... now, we were now equals. I had a comfort in just being with him.  Many days we would just sit and be together Craig would watch  TV-- some show on how pencils were made and I would do a sudoku puzzle. I said to him.." Being alone with you is so comfortable it reminds me of being alone with myself and at peace. I was comfortable and comforted with him... he agreed.

That is what I will remember and cherish and miss most about Craig. The small simple moments that were too few. I hungered all my life to he in his life. When I returned  home we would talk on the phone for hours. Many times Deb would go out and I would just keep him company for several hours till she returned home on the phone or computer. He didn't like to be alone. I bought a Apple computer and would I Chat with him like on the Jetsons. We would visit for hours on end. Often I would Web chat with him after getting home from comedy at 2 am and chat on the computer till dawn. Many of these I chats would begin with Craig in tears. My only goal was to take his mind off his worries and to distract him long enough to make him laugh. I would tell him my jokes I did that night and repeat a line I loved that I heard that night. He was my biggest fan and loved to hear that I was working hard and doing well. He had an undying belief in me.

One day he came online very upset.... as we talked I mentioned a problem I was having at home. He calmed down immediately and went about trying to help me solve the difficulty I was dealing with. Craig loved helping people fix problems. During his illness Craig and I got to know each other. He was as I have said my biggest fan and when he came home to visit during his illness and a short remission he saw me perform several times a night many nights. He had an undying faith in my talent and never tiered of seeing me perform. He believed in me so much and told me it was just a matter of time till I hit the big time.

I remember a time when I was small being in our kitchen. Craig stood in the doorway blocking me from leaving. He had his hands above him holding each side of the door and his legs were doing the same. He smiled and said... I'm 14 your 7 when are you going to catch up with me??? I said never silly, your my big brother you will always be older than me.

My Brother Craig lived a full and happy life. He loved me always. My last words to him were ..." I will always love you as long as I live". I am grateful for the small moments especially the ones where I felt our love flow though one and other. I will cherish this and Craig's memory all my life.

--

My biggest Fan.

My brother Craig died this past Thursday July 10th. He died of Cancer. He had a lousy time fighting this illness. The only glimmer of good that came out of it was that my brother and my entire family bonded in a way we never had before his illness.

My brother was my biggest fan. He was positive that I was to be the next big female comic .... not since Rosanne he would tell me. Your gonna be bigger than her cause your not nuts in the head like her. He was a Psychologist PHD. We became very close during these past 20 months of his illness. I shared moments with him that were so warm and special. I have been dreadfully sad even before his passing. When I got the call from my other brother Gary  that Craig had died.... a pain took over me that was and is like nothing I can describe. A grief and a hurt and a feeling like a part of yourself has been ripped out of you.

I think I was working myself so hard these past 20 months in hopes that something big would happen that my brother could see happen for me.  He was sure that it was just around the corner for me.  On his last few visits home to NJ he saw me perform several times.  He never tired of my act.  He was the best fan you could ever have.   I cancelled all my shows for the next several weeks. I have not been to my home club in a month due to working myself into anemia and bronchitis and mental exhaustion being so emotionally on edge from all of this even before he passed. I cant imagine making people laugh right now. I am so sad. I am beyond sad.

 I worked so hard these past 5 years that I have very few civilian  friends anymore. I don't have time for them. I worked 3 weeknights a week and most weekends. The 2 nights a week I was home I would crash. I needed some friends to lean on during all of this.... few civilians were to be found. Put nothing into a friendship..... you cant expect much out I guess. Then again.... shame on some of them. A phone call once and a while might have been nice.

 The closest friend I had and I spent the most time with during Craigs illness was Craig. We I chatted several nights a week after I finished comedy in the middle of the night and would video chat into the early morning. I would tell him new jokes I would tell him jokes that my friends told that night on stage. He would begin most of our conversations upset and in tears and over several hours I would have the two of us laughing and pull him out of the black hole he had fallen into. I cried with him but tried to be strong. When his cancer returned after a brief remission I didn't cry. I told myself that I would wait till he died to cry, there would be plenty of time then. Every second he was here I would enjoy him.  

Now he's gone. I fear there is no limit to my grief yet, I know there is. It comes in waves the grief. Because I have so few relationships anymore due to comedy.... I spent today mostly alone. Seeing Adams post and the comments that were left were amazingly comforting. I would read them over and over. I receive quite a few emails too. My comedy friends were there.... as many of them had been all along.

Right now, making people laugh seems like the last thing I want to do. I know I will get back up but now its not time. I am angry , sad,  hungry, nicotine craving...out of my mind and Craig is gone.

I'm a Jew so was Craig. In Jewish tradition you die and they rush you into the ground. Then you eat. You get one day to plan a funeral and a lunch.. Sometimes they extend it.... but you don't hang around. In Jewish tradition... the body is never alone. Till it is buried. My brother is being cremated. Not forbidden in my faith just not our custom. Due to a cremation delay in Fresno.... it might be as many as 14 days or more till his cremation is complete.  Jewish tradition says Shiva... the period of mourning cant formally start until that time. My poor parents and the rest of my family are in a holding pattern until this happens. I am not used to this. I have been going to funerals for years. There is a comfort in ritual. In knowing what to do next. I don't know what I should be doing. I went to Temple tonight I wanted to say Kaddish the mourners prayer. I am far from religious. I was looking for comfort in the familiar. I was told that I'm not a mourner till after the funeral . Technically I shouldn't say this prayer till then. Due to my brothers wishes to be cremated. ..... I'm in mourners limbo here. Since he wont be cremated for some time now..... We aren't to have a Shiva till then. This is how it is.... I think of every funeral I have been to where friends and family are together. There is a comfort in that.
I don't have it and I'm upset. The service tonight was comforting. It was outdoors in a court yard under the sky. For a few moments I felt comfort. Other than this... The comedy community was the only comfort I had today. I thank you all for your kindness and your comfort. It meant more than you can ever know.

Comedy Well Done...

So the big night has come and gone. It was the Premier of the pilot of "Falling in Love with Mike Bocchetti" and comedy show. It was held in an "A" room of one of the best clubs in the city Comix. I was very lucky to be asked to be part of this short film.  Then to be able to perform stand up the same night was a big bonus.

I had never been involved in anything like this before and it was all very exciting for me.  The project was starring  the wonderful funny man Mike Bocchetti  It was written and directed by Jay Nog.  I didn't know when filming this thing that several other comedy friends were in this project including the very funny Emily Epstein and   Laura Nickiforchuck.   I have known Emily since the first open mics that we did every week and week out at the Morrison Motel.  I miss those days of seeing her all the time.    This entire experience was so rewarding in ways that I never expected.  

Jay had asked me to audition for this project.  I was thrilled to be asked.  Unfortunately the day of the audition I had car problems and didn't want to risk going into the city.   Much to my surprise  Jay a few weeks later gave me the part without an audition.   Okay so I'm old , I'm a Mom,  I'm a Jew  so I was type cast  ..... what ever!!!   I'm in!!!

It was a really hectic day of Filming .We started early in the morning and I had to leave filming early to be at a show in Philly that night.   I  sometimes cant believe all that I do in a single day....  And being a mom is hectic but nothing like being a mom and a comedian  too.  I found while filming that my improv skills helped tremendously with acting and  my comedic ability  to think on my feet made it fun and easy.

We had a great time doing this project.  Jay was patient and so nice to work with.  Mike is maybe one of the sweetest men in comedy.   

Jay told us that he had made plans to premiere the film at Comix and that we would all get to perform.  He was planning on inviting some major industry to the show.   I was busy gathering some family and friends to come out to see this.   In my head.... It was to be one of those Entertainment Tonight   moments.   I saw light bulbs flashing for some strange reason and a red carpet. Not... but still fabulous!   Carl had a business trip to attend and wanted me to go with him.  Of course.... it coincided with 4 big  shows  I had to do.  This one at Comix and another at Gotham next week and  another at the former Laugh Factory. I also had a weekend booked in Cherry Hill featuring.   How can I go to California?  Yes to see my brother but he was in treatment in Las Vegas.  So I had to pass.  This is the biggest 11 days in my comedy lifetime!   

Carl took my daughter instead with him on this business trip / vacation.  Just a few days before he was set to go.... I got an email cancelling the Gotham show.   The charity producing the show hadn't mentioned the show in their most recent newsletter and having an audience looked to be a problem.  I more than understood having produced shows myself.  So scratch that one off the list.   Then another email came about the Laugh Factory/ Times Sq Art center. show... the show had to be put off due at least for a month or so for reasons I cant go into on here. We plan God laughs.  

The comedy screening show at Comix was a blast.  I love this club.  It is one of the nicest in the city .  It was the first club I passed at in NYC and I love to perform here.  It is on 14th street just east of 9th.  The neighborhood is one of the coolest places in the city now.  Not so true 25 years ago when I went to the Old Homestead for dinner with my soon to be in laws for the first time.   It is the former meat packing district.  Back then It was a good neighbor hood to get shot in.   Seedy to the 10th degree the Bowery in many way felt nicer and safer.  Now both places I couldn't afford to pay for monthly parking no less live there.

I will never forget that meal for as long as I live.  My father in law ordered prime rib well done.  When they brought it to him it was rare and he couldn't eat it.  The waiters were the most surly old school NYC nasty white lab coat wearing bastards you could ever meet outside of a busy deli.  The waiter looked at the slab of black and blue meat and held his arm straight out  it to his side  then tilted his hand and through it into the trash.  Not only throwing out the meat but the vegetables and potatoes .    Moments later he came out with another beautiful prime rib.   It was a perfect  medium with a light pink center.  My father in law wouldn't eat anything pink.   He called the waiter over and asked if they could put it in the oven for just a few moments longer and it would be just like he would like it.  Sure enough.... the waiter grabs his plate.... holds it out to the side and tosses the meat in the trash.  The third time the meat came out well done and the perfect shade of cardboard gray and everyone was happy.  More and more that NY is not longer around.  Its a good thing except for now finding parking is a problem....

The show started on time despite an unfortunate problem with the clubs ability to play the DVD of the film.   The sound system and the DVD weren't compatible.   They tried and tried but unfortunately they were not able to show the project.   Jay opened the show and did a strong 15.  I really don't know how he was able to stay composed and pull it off with all the aggravation that had gone on right before the show.   I went on next.   I wanted to perform my set a few nights before but I wasn't booked anywhere so this was my first time up since the weekend.

I had been in Cherry Hill the weekend before and had a great 2 shows where I featured 2 nights in a row doing 30- 35 minute sets.    Doing a feature set verses a showcase set.... I will take the feature set hands down every time.  It is so much easier to do a great 30  as opposed to a killer 10.   Truth be told to make it in this industry, it is key to have a killer 5 clean.   I'm at this more than 5 years and I'm not happy with my clean 5.  My naughty not dirty 5 is good and has gotten me where I am but if I want bigger and better things  I need to work on stronger and more unique 5. 

I had a very good set and opened up the room, this has been my forte in showcase shows lately.   I wasn't able to hang out after the show since I had  2 shows up at Ha!.  So I thanked Jay and the other comics and drove uptown.

Many of the newer comics help out at the Ha! by working the door.  I really never had to do this on a frequent basis.  I was moved to hosting shortly after starting at the club and only did it when they were in a jam.   I got to the club an hour early and there was no one to work the door.  The new guy  who normally would be doing it was hosting for the first time that night.   So when management asked me if I would mind doing the door for an hour....  I figured it was a nice night outside.  Sure.

I had shown up to the club an hour early  and here it is 10:30 and I'm working the door when I could have been downtown at Comix hanging out .   I was so afraid I would be late I jumped the gun and left.   A few short hours ago I feel like a star and now I'm standing outside a club pointing people down the stairs.  You got to love this business  the highs and lows come faster than a roller coaster.

I did the 11:30 show ,the great thing about my home club is I'm totally relaxed onstage.  I did the same set I did downtown and it was as Yogi Berra would say.  Dejah vu all over again.  I was to host the 12:30 but it got cancelled.   I  took my time leaving the club chatting with a few of the other comedians.  When I headed outside I walked 2 blocks down to 48th Street my car was 2 avenues away on 9th.   Just then the sky opened and it started raining .   I darted from building to building from over hang to over hang from  scaffold to hugging the building like a bug on a fridge.... I jumped puddles in my high heal sandals which were soaked by now and finally waited under the over hang of Starbucks for it to slow down.  20 minutes later it was still going strong and showed no sign of letting up.  I was tiered  and I decided to just get soaked.   I ran down the block fuddled for my keys and jumped in the car.  

It was one thirty.    I headed to the Lincoln tunnel where I waited to get into the tube for almost a half hour.    Then once in the tunnel traffic stopped completely.  I sat not moving at all for about 20 minutes.    Without traffic at this time of night takes me 45 -50 minutes to get home.  Once out of the tunnel they are redirecting traffic off the helix and through the Hoboken exit.  I decide to turn on my GPS and go home via Hoboken and get on the Turnpike down by the  Holland tunnel.  Big mistake.   My GPS lost its signal due to the heavy rain and I spent another 20 minutes lost in Hoboken.  This is quite a feet considering the entire town is less then 5 square miles.  Eventually  I found my way to the turnpike and at this point the rain was coming down in sheets.  If you know me you know that I have a huge fear of driving in the rain, since a mishap I had in my car last October where I lost control of the car in the rain and  jumped the median did a 180 and wound up from the express lane into the local facing oncoming traffic.  I wanted to pull over but I wanted to get home and go to bed too. Cars were parking under the overpasses for going driving till it let up.  I chose instead to drive the remaining 35 miles in the slow lane driving home at 30 miles an hour.   When I got home it was after 4 am.   I had left my home that afternoon at 6pm.  

What did  I learn from all of this?   Parking sucks everywhere in NYC.   (but I knew that)  I still have stage fright on shows that I perceive as special.  I am further than I dreamed I would be at this time in comedy and at the same time....   I'm still not to big to work a door. ...and be a team player.   I learned to listen to the weather reports and carry an umbrella.  To always pee before leaving the club.... you don't know how long it will take to get home.  GPS is great but not in the rain sometimes.  And lastly.... that this is all so real and all so unbelievable to me.  Everyday its like walking on the moon.  Who knew this would be my life.    Was the night a bad one.  Far from it.   It  was a great night.   Some how if I have a great show..... all the other things just don't seem to bother me.   They just come with the meal.

This week I will be at Ha! on Tuesday  June 10th and Sat. June 14th.  I am performing for the Gay Boys at the Ice Palace on Thursday night...   the rest of my calendar can be found on my website....................   www.robinfoxcomedy.com

Five minutes at a time...

I have to say that taking off 2 weeks and cutting back is something I have been saying I should do for sometime. It took running myself down to a nub and getting sick to make me take the time not only to make my body feel better but give my mind and soul a much needed break. As most newer comics we are drummed into our heads that the way to become working comics is simple, stage time, stage time and more stage time.

I started in comedy in my early 40s and that was the only early thing about it. People tell me all the time....well Rosanne started late.... wrong, she started in her early 30s. They say the same about Phylis Diller and Joan Rivers I started after both of them. Factor into that I heard it takes 7 years to become a working comic at a minimum and that was only if you were funny and had some talent. Seven Years that's too long I told myself. I decided that if I worked really hard I could maybe shave off a year or two. Whats the point in working so hard if your too old for anyone to want to book you. So if stage time is road to becoming a comedian then I will have to speed to get there. If most people would do 3 open mics a week I would do 3 a night 3 or 4 nights a week.... from 50 miles outside of NYC no less. Eventually I couldn't stand the open mics anymore. I wanted real stage time! So that was the beginning of the barking and bringing and interning phase. I was lucky with all the work if I got 3 sets in a week. I so wanted to get into booked shows and get in front of real audiences. I used to complain.... How can you get good at something or learn anything 5 minutes at a time???

Well you can. I'm living Proff. In the end a good showcase set has been more helpful in getting me work than some of the great sets I can do that are 30 mins long. I am lucky that I have the balance of working in the city and doing 6 to 10 minute sets and on the weekends featuring at clubs. This became very obvious to me this week. A club I perform at had a showcase of top headliners. These comics play the road but the best road show. Foxwoods, Vegas, the Borgatta etc. Each and everyone of these comedians a amazingly talented and successful. There were 11 of them. Most of them didn't do well it was a packed house of mostly older middle aged people. Most of the comics were 40 or older men. It was the perfect audience married middle to upper middle class couples and married people. Yet comic after comic tanked. Some took it on the chin others made quips at the person who asked them to do the gig. One comic blamed a friend for being there who he said was a jinx because every time hes at a show he bombs.

The MC started the show by saying we got 11 comics to put on so lets start the show. So the first comic had to open to a non warmed up room. The only non headliner was my friend Chris this was to be his challenge. He went up and since he was starting a cold room he truly struggled in his first 5 minutes some jokes hit some didn't. People were ordering food and getting their drinks. He took the bullet.... then about half way through he did a joke that hit hard and got them back. He had a solid set from then on. He got off stage and he walked over to the table in the rear of the club were I was. I looked defeated. I told him that for the first comic of the night he should be very proud of himself. He had to do the job the MC is suppose to do and he had nothing to be ashamed of. In hindsight he might have wanted to do some crowd work first I don't know if he has those skills yet I think he most likely does, he hosts all the time.

The big shots went up and folded one after the other. There were a few exceptions JJ Ramerez had a solid set. He works the clubs in NYC and is used to doing 10 minutes and he did crowd work and he had a great set. Some of the comics bailed on their sets. If after 4 minutes they saw the audience wasn't loving them they had enough. I was there just to watch that night. I sat there thinking I hope a woman is going up there. I knew If I could get up I would have a great set. They were my target audience.... middle aged with kids. A woman comic name Kira S went up about number 6 she not only opened the room wide open she destroyed. She is an LA comic and although she headlines all over the US when in LA she performs showcase sets. Its 7 minutes in LA most nights she told me. She did 10 and it was non stop KILL. The next comic a magician jumped the stage after minutes. Al Lubel went up and had a fantastic set.... they loved him. Then the show closed out with two comics performing at the same time. One would do a rant and the other would follow with his jokes on the same topic. It was good but I have seen one of the two comics do a headliner set at a major club in the city and he was a fraction as funny as I know him to be.

Headliners have the luxury of the long set. They can establish a rapport and take there time grabbing an audience. They also have the advantage that the audience many times is there to see them and that is why they came. Seven or so of the 11 headliners tanked.... having to limit a set to 8 to 10 mins.

For now a good showcase set is very important to me. I have been asked to do some major auditions in the past two years and a showcase set isn't just a best of..... its a set that lets an audience get a true sense of your comedic style and point of view. I think that it should have killer opening joke that establishes who you are some kind of arc and a strong and memorable closer. Anytime I have been passed at a club it wasn't because I just did a killer 30. No they gave me a guest spot and I had to kill in under 6 minutes. Contests are the same way except you need several of these short and strong sets. Al Lubel had a great set .... when he appears on TV they give him 6 to 8 minutes.... he has perfected his short set and that's why I think he did so well.

When I was fortunate finally got passed at a club in the city ( I did a tight 5) I was now able to do more sets in a night and in a week than I ever before. I was like a person who had been starving and then was now at an all you can eat buffet. I gorged myself with stage time. I was doing as many weeks 20 or more sets. I often worked 6 nights a week. I was working from early in the evening to the wee hours of the morning. This is my fast track . This is my gym. I figured I'd work and write and work and work. I have to say it really has made me a stronger comic. It also was insane. I forget I'm only flesh and blood and too much of anything is never good. It took me becoming so run down to see this. I knew it in my head long before I got sick. I often blogged about it. I knew it and yet I didn't slow down..... I was addicted to it. Cutting down seemed in someways like giving up the race. Like most things if you do too much you get diminishing returns. I should have learned this long ago from being a full time mommy and never getting much down time. Live and learn ....sometimes the hard way. I'm stupid that way.


So tonight I had a feature spot in South NJ. It was at a club and was 75 miles away. I was booked to do 30 minutes. I planned on getting there and using the 45 minutes before the show to center myself and prepare. My brother called from California and I took his call. I know my material I will be fine I told myself. It was an upsetting call but I was able to lock it up and go up and have a really great show. I would say it was a kill I wish I taped it. It was a fundraiser for breast cancer and I had a party up there. I absolutely felt more comfortable on stage than I have in ages. After the show people came up to me and were very nice. I even got a few new myspace friends out of the night. A few people said that I came off so relaxed so at ease someone else used the words confidently funny. Wow that was a great feeling.

I am so glad I took a break. Its a day later now and I just got back from the same club. I was asked to do 25 instead of the 35 the night before. I decided to cut my Costo bit. Unfortunately the entire lead in to the joke is a call back to my closer. I had a horrible headache and it was subsiding as I took the stage. The club was half filled and the audience was sitting away from the stage. I found it hard to connect at first. I cant say I did as well as the night before but it was a solid set. I never got in the zone and for some reason I was having trouble following the set list in my mind. I zigged away from the set I was doing to do something spontaneous an then found myself further ahead in my set. I mentioned my sons name on one joke that I do later in the set and his name is the punchline in a later joke. I had to invent a 3rd child. I wasn't focused. Its strange because the night before the pressure of a big room and a long drive getting there and my brother calling me didn't effect me at all. I'm grateful that my material is tried an true and was able to make up for any control I might have lost and pull off a solid set. I did get thrown early on by a killer joke landing soft. WTF.
The night before an applause break tonight just average laughs. I am addicted to killing and often anything less feels like a let down. I like that feeling of leaving the stage and feeling .... and that's hows its done! Tonight I left the stage feeling I'm glad this is done. So the journey continues.

This week I will be performing at Comix on Tuesday night. The show starts at 8pm. It will be the premiere of the pilot I did for Howard Stern TV called Falling in Love with Mike Bochetti. It is going to be an amazing night. Jay Nog wrote and directed the show . After the viewing of the show we will performing stand up... The Comedians performing will be Mike Boshetti , Jay Nog , Emily Epstien ,Laura Nickforchuk and myself. It was so much fun filming this pilot and cant wait to see the final cut. I will be doing my showcase set at one of my favorite clubs in the city. Sunday and Monday nights I will be working honing the set to get it just right and hope to do as many shows as I can to get this one just right.

check out my website at www.robinfoxcomedy.com

Parking for the fun of it.....

Still taking it a bit slower this week. I took Sunday off and worked on Monday I'm off till this weekend when I will be performing as feature in Cherry Hill for the weekend. They offered me a hotel room and I think I might even take it since it will save me on driving and Gas. I was working so hard before I got sick that I have to say that I wasn't having all that much fun up on stage. Not really. If it was a big gig like the show I did for a Temple I had fear and dread until I got up there and got the first big laugh. I also would leave my home feeling truly like this is a job. I found myself not feeling mentally prepared..... I had been feeling this way since my LCS audition in early March. Anemia will do that to you. Yet my sets were good and I was coming up with new stuff once every other week or so and adding an additional 15 or more minutes to my arsenal
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I did a show in the East Village two weeks ago. I dreaded only going there because of the parking. Its horrific down there... WHY?? no really WHY?? does every hipster own a car?( the abobe photo is not my car but will give you an idea of what I did)
I found a spot and I don't know how I did it but I left an 18th of an inch in front and in the rear between me and the two cars. So much so I drew a crowd squeezing my Marrono into the spot. I prayed that one of the two parties would be gone come the end of the night. The guy who runs the bakery on 12th and ave A came out and later gave me a biscotti on the house for doing such an amazing parking job. Sheer will.... it a metaphor for my entire life and comedy career.

The show was run by a wonderful man named Tom. It was his Ladies Gone Funny show. I was the headliner. Tom Hosted and then his opener does a good 15 and then 4 other girls did 8 to 10 and then I closed the show with 30. 30 minutes in NYC is a gift. Lori Summers opened the show. I have always liked her. She was the host of my graduation show I did at Gotham when I took a class there over 5 years ago. I mentioned to her that I had been feeling like I hit a wall so to speak in comedy. That it all felt so hard and I just didn't know what was next and felt very lost for the first time in a very long time. She told me.... Welcome to the 6 year slump. She explained that the steaks had risen and that it was feeling more like work because in fact that is what it had started to become. I'm making money ... My weekends are filling up and I'm a working comic. Not an A Lister or even a C Lister but a working comic. I feature now most every booked gig I get now or headline if it is a group I do especially well with. Its work. The hours, the driving, the bills, the business end....and its a huge adjustment. I asked her what she found helped her when she got to this point and she said. You have to remember when you take the stage that your doing this for the LOVE of it. Hummmmmmmmmmmmmm??? Tom had a music stand on the stage. On it he had notes. The room was full with maybe 20 friendly folks including the comics. I made a few notes just in case.... when in Rome. It was a work out space and very fluid. Coming off being sick it seemed perfect. I loved the show. I was not thinking about my set all that much and tried to just enjoy the show. Racquel Diapice was there and delivered a great set as well as a woman named Cara who was amazing and very new. I thought about it. For the love of it. I got up and just had a conversation..... I did my jokes but it really was about enjoying myself and the audience. It became a joy ... As I was up there I thought how wonderful is this that I feel so good up here. I thought of all the work and work and work.... and then there is this. A room full of people and just having fun with them.

I offered a ride to Union Sq to two of the women comics for no other reason for them to witness my amazing mad parking skills. The two cars were still there and a small crowd gathered to see me get out of this spot. I did it .... it might have taken 20 moves but I did it!

So much for the love of it. Not every show is a love fest. But just remembering that I used to do this for the love and fun of it was a huge emotional vitamin for me. Not to forget I am now taking mega doses of Iron and B12 and feeling so so so much better. So I did a show for a rabid audience of a very popular radio hosts pack of wild men. It was outside of Philly and I was one of 10 women in a room of over 200 men in baseball caps who wasn't a porno star or a stripper. I had been booked originally to be the feature in a three man show. The show was changed last minute that morning turned into a birthday party for this radio guy. I was to feature but instead was asked to do 10-15. The show opened very strong.... then a guy from Sales went up and sucked all the air out of the room. I was next to a room that was hardly listing and mostly standing in the back and at the bar talking. Carl was with me to save me from driving in the rain. Yes I still hate that. I was nervous. I knew what I needed to do. I need to pretend I wasn't shitting in my pants. I started out strong.... I lost them for a joke .... I got them back... then a drunken bitch is talking to me. Oy. She is responding to every joke. She is around 24 yrs old trashy and drunk. Her boyfriend looks like he suffered from fetal alcohol syndrome. Out of no where in my mind... I said something I don't even remember what and shut her up..... The room got quiet and they were on my side. I felt like a bully. She was really not meaning any real harm. But she posed a real threat to my entire set dying on the vine. While I had their attention I did my most 2 filthy joke I have. Ones about oral the other about anal. Hey I said they were dirty. The oral one got an applause break. The anal one got mouths hanging open.... "To far" I say to them and sorta save the bit. I finish up with my closer and I feel like I earned a C plus. Later the owner comes up and tells me that he was very happy with my set. A big comic I know from a show I do in Hoboken came up to me and said that I did the best any female could possibly do in that room. I wasn't that happy with it. Carl loved it. He said you never saw your were nervous. You were strong and in control Okay. I went home and when I went on myspace I found out that the show was in fact changed that morning on air. It was to be as much a party as a comedy show. We bolted after my set. The next night would be a regular three man show. We had a nice crowd Id say of 50 people. I was asked last minute to open the show with 25 and then bring up the guy who as supposed to host. He did so poorly the night before they wanted me first. I was asked to then bring up the headliner and he would close out the show and I could leave.

Before the headliner went up he asked me if I could do another 10. I said sure. I did my husband wants to save the planet routine and did great. As I was leaving I was informed that the hotel was hosting a Swingers night that night and that most of my audience was from that group. Well let me say these people I guess know how to have fun! I had a great time. The staff loved me too and the bartender mentioned that he would see that people found out how well I did. The GM of the club thanked me and said he would have me back as soon as he can. So that was cool. Side bar. One night a girl is on her cell phone outside a hotel Im doing a show at. She is stranded and cant get home her boy friend and her had a fight. There is a man in a suit having a cigerette standing near by. She is asking her friend to come get her. She hangs up and shes what 19- 20 . I go over to her and give her $20 for a cab, she askes me for my address to pay me back. I give her my card and tell her dont worry about it. Im a mom and would hope someone would help my kid in that situation. She gets a cab and leaves. The man standing there introduces himself to me and tells me that what I just did was very nice. He told me that he was the GM of the hotel and that if I ever work there again he would be happy to comp me a room. Fast forward 2 years..... the GM of this club is the same guy and he remembers me from that night. Karma People..... lesson learned.

I returned to my home club in the city after being away for two weeks. I have to say that I was really afraid they would forget about me. Actually the owner of the club called me for my avails, since I hadn't been in all week to give them to the club. I was so reassured. I told him to hold me off for another week so I wouldn't mess up his schedule . The head booker of the club actually sent me a myspace email saying he hoped I was feeling better. So whats the big deal you are thinking. Well if your a NYC comic your not thinking that... you know how disposable we all feel. If not us there is a line from here to LA that is waiting for your spot. When a comic dies in NYC people call the gigs on his schedule to offer their services.... or at least that's the urban legend. Like the looking for an apartment by checking the obituary pages.

I returned to the club and it was fleet week. I love it. Every show was packed with handsome young men and a smattering of young women all in dress whites. They were fantastic audiences and I could talk like a sailor if I wanted to. I found myself laughing on stage. Whats this ENJOYMENT? I had in the middle of one show a nasty heckler. He was drunk and alone. He was old and gay and annoying the waitstaff even before the show. I was doing really well..... and then he shouted out. You suck your a fat ugly lesbian who needs to get donkey punched!!! The audience when ohhhhhh. I held my finger up as if to say don't worry I got this. I then Say "Uncle Rob is that you.... when did you get out of rehab, how sweet of you to come to see me ". The audience whistles and claps He says I'm sorry I'm feeling a bit stupid just now. I say.... so you were clear all day and saved your one minute of zen stupidity for me. Oh and by the way I'm not a lesbian not that there's anything wrong with that..... I'm straight. Actually I'm married 25 years just right now I'm not fucking anyone. I then say something else..... probably.... now Shut the fuck up. and finished my set strongly. As I got off the stage and walked down the center aisle I got several high fives.

I went to the pit were the comedians sit between sets and shows and the host of the show tells them how well I handled my heckler. Just the the owner and a bouncer are taking my heckler out of the show room. He had passed out. I heard later he tried to take his pants off on the street in front of the club.
I felt like I had just passed an amazing initiation. I had someone fuck with me and I won. It made me feel like I am what I have strived for all these years. I am a comedian.... in the truest and most real sense of what I think that may be or not be. Hecklers always scared me. I had a stock line I could use as a shield for years.... but they always hurt my feelings on some level all in all I have had 3 or 4 hecklers in 5 plus years of this I deserved more. Hecklers remind me of the mean kid in 8th grade who just when I was having fun or thinking for a second I was cool would ruin it all and make a nasty comment or joke at my expense. Shutting down a heckler feels like in some way I have learned how to deal with bullies. That I am armed with my wit and my microphone and I can take care of myself. Its liberating.

I did a show in Hoboken the other night . I had been away from that room for almost 11 weeks. I had a 6 minute set. I decided that this is my room. There my crowd ... I decided that I had to kill and nothing less. I had fun. I had a ball. I felt in control. It was one of my very best sets I have ever had. I don't know what has happened and maybe its nothing more than getting more red blood cells going. But I feel better on stage than I have in a long long while. I'm smiling more, I'm laughing up there now. I am.... a least... just for now it seems... doing this because this is what I love to do. I will enjoy it while it lasts Im sure it wont. But I will savor it just the same.

Sick and Tired and better again....

I wrote this a week ago and was too sick and tiered to even spell check it no less post it.......
It was a long time coming and it came..... I ran out of gas, Both ends of the candle met, I shot my load, I finished the entire cake, I walked a long walk off the short Pier, I came and I went, I feel off the wagon and got run over, I punched my last ticket. I crashed and burned.... But can I quit NEVER!

I came home a week ago Sunday and went to bed at 4 am as usual... and in the Morning had to get up early to take care of some family business. I was to work that night again in the city and was faced with that horrible question every mom asks herself around 4 pm... Whats for dinner??? Nothing. The fridge, freezer and cupboards were all empty with enough to throw a meal together. I had been meaning to take a nap but the cleaning people were on their way and I had to be up. ( I hired them because Im working so much My home has gottten too much for me and Hell Ive been cleaning for 25 years) Then they showed up 3 hours late and I could have napped. So once I let them in and gave my son the check for them... I headed to my favorite gate of Hell the suburban supermarket. I ran around the store just buying what ever I could just to have somethings to fall back on for dinner for the week. I got a large chicken and figured 2 dinners out of this bird. I picked up some turkey sausage and some fish and ran around like it was a timed cook off on Top Chef.

Just as I was heading around a corner I see someone I don't wish to see. Lets call her Lorraine Hersey. I used to play Mah Jongg with this woman 7 years ago ( before I started comedy) and I have known her for about 18 years. She is one of those people who runs hot and cold. One time you see her she is your best friend .... full of warmth and compliments...the next time its passive aggressive jabs. Always you have to hear how attractive her husband thinks she is, how she lives on the best street in town...the non view side by the way. Or how her job is so important and she couldn't be complete without it ...not to mention the very big salary she earns. In a word shes a pill. So when I saw her on the coffee Isle I decided we don't need any coffee and moved on to the next isle. Somehow 3 isles down I ran into her in front of the salad dressing. I had been annoyed with her since the last two times I saw her she asked me...... So you still doing your thing? My Thing? Yes its a little hobby I have. You know like your jogging 5 miles 7 days a week. My thing.

Why is it that I cant be a bitch at will. Why cant I bite the bullet and just say ... You know what Lorrine I don't really have the time or the patience to speak with you now. Besides your not interested and if you are its just to judge. Ba Bye. She says Hi. I say We always run into each other here, should have said.... I need to find a new place to shop. She says I hate shopping now. I say why is that. She says...everything is so expensive. I should have said.... but your so rich and thin you hardly eat and you can by all the rice cakes you want. No I say ... I got you beat I hated shopping even before when prices were lower. I have hated it for years. Pause, wheres the oriental dressing? She goes into expert mode and recommends a few and is very friendly. Fuck now I cant be a bitch... it would look unprovoked. The conversation move onto her kids and I mentioned my family's ongoing soap opera. Air kiss good bye. Truth is , I don't want an enemy. I'm a pussy. Because I do have enemies People who I detest.The thing is most of them have no Idea I don't like them.... that isn't the nice way to do things....and God Why do I like being so fucking nice. I don't detest this woman she is of no real harm to me. I don't like her because she isn't that nice, has an annoying voice and I feel often that she feels above me. That pisses me off. I also feel that she feels that she is skinny and that gives her an upper hand over me. She feels she is more in control. I do think that running outside when its 4 degrees is an addiction as much as a hobby and life choice. She is so unimportant to me. However if she was warm and seemed happy to see me the entire bad feelings would vaporise. Why do I even think about this.

The shopping took all of an half hour the check out took a half hour just to get to my turn. Attention store managers.... Your store is busy from 4 to 6. People are buying food for dinner..... hire some checkers and a few baggers while your at it...... its feels like this taking forever..... Paper or Plastic....No I need a gun....to take me out of this misery. This store pisses me off because they stare you down to bag your food. I'm tiered you bag it. So there I am bagging my food and I feel Dizzy. I'm sweaty. I pay and leave. I get home and I'm caring in the 15 bags of stuff that makes no rhyme or reason. My list I forgot to bring with me is sitting on the counter laughing at me. I read it.... not only did I forget the list... I forgot most of the items. I forgot the bread so no lunches...good one robin. i forgot the curry to make the soup I was planning on making with the cauliflower I just bought. I forgot the Chinese noodles that go into my Oriental chicken salad ....for the leftover chicken. No orange juice . I did remember cranberry sauce. I got to put it in the pantry along side of the 4 I already have in there.... terrific robin. I start dinner. Chicken cutlets and pasta. I treated myself to the thin sliced ones saving me the hour of slicing and pounding them myself. Done. While I'm cooking I notice how nice the house looks. All clean, everything put away. This will last all of an hour or two. My leg hurts me I get a stool and sit in front of the stove. I'm stirring sauce its 6pm I need to leave for work at 8. I'm stirring and my arm hurts like a dull ache and so does my back. I put up the water to boil . Put the sauce and the cheese on the cutlets and pre heat the oven to finish the meal. I set the dish in the fridge. I'm so tired I think to have a cup of coffee. I calculate my sleep from the night before 4 hours. I need a nap. I turn down the water to simmer put a lid on it and go to my room and hug the mattress. The imaginary referee in my head counts... ONE< TWO, Three four. I fall asleep ... I'm out. Carl comes home in an hour and sees how tired I am. I'm in a ball of sweat. My son had made the pasta and Carl put the cutlets in the hot oven . Dinner is ready its 7:30. I run into the shower. I'm at the table eating in my bathrobe. I eat a few bites I'm not hungry..............................?????????????????............. I get dressed put my make up on. Blow out my hair. Come down stairs and the den is a mess Carl's shoes are on the floor , my sons homework is on the coffee table , newspapers are on the sofa. The dishes are still on the table and so is the left over food. I quickly put foil on the food and shove it in the fridge. I go to put my shoes on and I feel like lead. Every joint hurts and my head is pounding. I had an upsetting weekend with family and a unhappy thought flashes in my head and I pour cold water on it. I grab my comedy book.... I get my coat. I open the garage door and step onto the first of 3 steps. Im on the second one and I turn around. I have so little energy climbing up the one step back into the house feels like climbing a mountain. I start to cry. I cant do it. I cant go to work. I cant drive, I cant think, I cant be funny.... I cant open the door its to big and heavy. I feel tears roll down my face. I open the door and call Carl. I tell him I cant go in. What am I going to tell the club manager? Its 8 pm and I'm supposed to host 2 shows and be on 4 of them. They will fire me. I sit on the stool by the stove and call my boss and tell him. I'm sick I'm hot and week and I don't know whats wrong with me. I think I could be getting the flu. Every muscle is killing me now. He tells me don't worry feel better. Its okay. I am more upset that I might loose my place at the club after all the hard work I have done ....than the fact that I am just about to pass out.

Its three days later and I'm at the Dr's office for the second time this week. I cant keep my head up. I had blood work done earlier in the week and the results showed that I am deficient in all my B Vitamins and that I am severely anemic. I am 5 points away from a transfusion. The rest of the testing isn't done. They should know by Monday. I have been on web md and diagnosed myself with Cancer, an ulcer, Fibromaragiea, Lyme Disease...and MS. That is when I ran to the doctor. So at this second visit they want me to start coming in for a B12 shot and I am taking iron pills for the anemia. I feel like shit. I am sleeping more than I'm awake for these past 3 days. The house has gone to hell....and so have I. I feel like a Hollywood starlets. Suffering from exhaustion. Without the press release or the fancy hospital.

When I get home the phone rings and its the club wanting my avails. I apologise for being sick and suggest they don't book me next week just in case I have to cancel..... I don't want to mess up the schedule. A huge sigh of relief is off my mind. I'm still working there. I am so insecure in this business that I feel I am not allowed to get sick..
I wake up the next morning Friday and call the booker for a show i am to do in Conn on Sat night. I called her when I got sick and told her my situation. She had a comic on hold just in case I didn't feel up to it. Were good friends and I'm a lucky girl to know her. Carl was to come with me so I wouldn't have to do the 3 hour drive myself.

It was hell getting there the traffic was unreal. It was my first time onstage in 6 days. Linda opened the show. Let me say that Linda Belt is one of the classiest women doing comedy that I have met so far. If you think that I'm nice...... I'm a bitch next to this woman. She is very talented and a rare mix of nice to everyone. She is very supportive and would give you the shirt off her back. She is my favorite female comic and we are so alike it feels like narcissism that I like her so much. She's great...shes like me. HA.
I had hoped to sleep in the car. Since the b12 shot and the iron pills I'm feeling alot better. We put our things in the hotel and I just want to go to bed. We had to eat... I just want to nap. I start to panic a bit about the show. I have my Jewish material .... but I feel off. I'm tiered. Nothing like earlier in the week but tiered. We eat and I feel a bit better I have coffee. We get to the show and Linda opens strong. Uh OH. I don't like following her. Shes so dam good. I feel myself getting psyched out. Then she gives me one of the nicest introductions I have ever gotten. I go up hug her and know I have her full support this woman wants me to kill. I do my Jewish jokes and it feels good to be up there. There Jews a bit on the more conservative side and most over 50. I don't curse, I tone it down. Its going well. I have 25 minutes to fill and as I'm up there I'm editing and refining. I leave out some of my normal jokes to make up for the 10 minutes of Jewish humor. The room is lit full and you can see everyone's face. A man around 75 is sleeping in the corner. One woman is laughing so hard shes scaring me. This guy over hear keeps hitting his wife and she is hitting him. Some lady right upfront is smiling but not laughing and nodding her head. Do I need to see all of you???? Go away... I like comedy the way I like sex.... in the dark with maybe a few candles or the bathroom light on...take your pick.

I flub a joke. Actually i did it right and stopped and thought I flubbed it. Oh fuck. I do it over and joke I'm having a senior moment. I finish the show with my standard closer. I end on a strong up note. Linda comes up and hugs me. I go down and go off to the bathroom. I go outside for some fresh air and check my phone. I am cold. I go to open the door of the Temple and the door is locked. While I'm freezing I am re assessing my entire life. So this is what this career is. This is my thing. I got paid very well tonight. I made what I used to make working part time an entire week in one night. I'm cold. Is it worth it. Robin the nerves and the ups and downs. Did that go well? Why did Carl make that face? Linda asked me if I was tiered? Do I look tiered. I see someone through the door I wave my arms they let me in. This is the most I have moved in 5 days.

On the car ride home Carl review my set. You didn't do this joke, where was that one. I had only 25 minutes I had to edit. Did I curse. No. We review. I'm hungry.
Thoughts drift though my head as we drive through the darkness. My parents, my family, my kids, my routine, my jokes, my brother, I pray I'm just anemic. I'm tired. Not physically right now. I'm brain tired. I need to be taken care of for a few days. I need to relax. I need to laugh and not be making others laugh. I need a big warm bed by myself. I need a beach....with no one I know and no one who cares how big my ass is. ... including me.

My brain cant seem to stop. Here I am all night instead of sleeping after last nights gig.... trying to figure it all out. I'm not working again till Thursday. I need to take time off. I'M booked solid till the end of June. I might take July off. Could I? I envy Adam for taking a new path. I have only one path. Work ...try to kill and more work trying to kill. It dawns on me... I'm killing myself. MY body cant do it. I'm too old. I need to figure it out before my body decides for me what I should do. I wish I was Lindsy or Paris... I need the structure of a rehab to figure out what should be next. I am addicted to proving I can MAKE IT in this business. I need to not prove it to myself. I know I'm a comic in every true sense of the word. I need to PROVE it on paper it seems. TO PROVE.... this is MY THING!! And its something!!! No wonder I won the last request contest. I want that Credit. I need Proof.

Epilogue--- I wrote this a week ago and am all better. I have anemia and I need to take iron and got a B12 shots. I had a virus that because I was so run down knocked me on my ass. I started back working last week and did just 2 sets one on Tues and one on Thursday. I then did Bob Levy's room out in Levittown PA on Friday and on Saturday. I am trying to limit myself to 4 nights a week till I feel 100%. I enjoyed doing comedy this week more than I have in ages. I do this for the love of it and working so hard and getting sick isn't any fun.