My biggest Fan.

My brother Craig died this past Thursday July 10th. He died of Cancer. He had a lousy time fighting this illness. The only glimmer of good that came out of it was that my brother and my entire family bonded in a way we never had before his illness.

My brother was my biggest fan. He was positive that I was to be the next big female comic .... not since Rosanne he would tell me. Your gonna be bigger than her cause your not nuts in the head like her. He was a Psychologist PHD. We became very close during these past 20 months of his illness. I shared moments with him that were so warm and special. I have been dreadfully sad even before his passing. When I got the call from my other brother Gary  that Craig had died.... a pain took over me that was and is like nothing I can describe. A grief and a hurt and a feeling like a part of yourself has been ripped out of you.

I think I was working myself so hard these past 20 months in hopes that something big would happen that my brother could see happen for me.  He was sure that it was just around the corner for me.  On his last few visits home to NJ he saw me perform several times.  He never tired of my act.  He was the best fan you could ever have.   I cancelled all my shows for the next several weeks. I have not been to my home club in a month due to working myself into anemia and bronchitis and mental exhaustion being so emotionally on edge from all of this even before he passed. I cant imagine making people laugh right now. I am so sad. I am beyond sad.

 I worked so hard these past 5 years that I have very few civilian  friends anymore. I don't have time for them. I worked 3 weeknights a week and most weekends. The 2 nights a week I was home I would crash. I needed some friends to lean on during all of this.... few civilians were to be found. Put nothing into a friendship..... you cant expect much out I guess. Then again.... shame on some of them. A phone call once and a while might have been nice.

 The closest friend I had and I spent the most time with during Craigs illness was Craig. We I chatted several nights a week after I finished comedy in the middle of the night and would video chat into the early morning. I would tell him new jokes I would tell him jokes that my friends told that night on stage. He would begin most of our conversations upset and in tears and over several hours I would have the two of us laughing and pull him out of the black hole he had fallen into. I cried with him but tried to be strong. When his cancer returned after a brief remission I didn't cry. I told myself that I would wait till he died to cry, there would be plenty of time then. Every second he was here I would enjoy him.  

Now he's gone. I fear there is no limit to my grief yet, I know there is. It comes in waves the grief. Because I have so few relationships anymore due to comedy.... I spent today mostly alone. Seeing Adams post and the comments that were left were amazingly comforting. I would read them over and over. I receive quite a few emails too. My comedy friends were there.... as many of them had been all along.

Right now, making people laugh seems like the last thing I want to do. I know I will get back up but now its not time. I am angry , sad,  hungry, nicotine craving...out of my mind and Craig is gone.

I'm a Jew so was Craig. In Jewish tradition you die and they rush you into the ground. Then you eat. You get one day to plan a funeral and a lunch.. Sometimes they extend it.... but you don't hang around. In Jewish tradition... the body is never alone. Till it is buried. My brother is being cremated. Not forbidden in my faith just not our custom. Due to a cremation delay in Fresno.... it might be as many as 14 days or more till his cremation is complete.  Jewish tradition says Shiva... the period of mourning cant formally start until that time. My poor parents and the rest of my family are in a holding pattern until this happens. I am not used to this. I have been going to funerals for years. There is a comfort in ritual. In knowing what to do next. I don't know what I should be doing. I went to Temple tonight I wanted to say Kaddish the mourners prayer. I am far from religious. I was looking for comfort in the familiar. I was told that I'm not a mourner till after the funeral . Technically I shouldn't say this prayer till then. Due to my brothers wishes to be cremated. ..... I'm in mourners limbo here. Since he wont be cremated for some time now..... We aren't to have a Shiva till then. This is how it is.... I think of every funeral I have been to where friends and family are together. There is a comfort in that.
I don't have it and I'm upset. The service tonight was comforting. It was outdoors in a court yard under the sky. For a few moments I felt comfort. Other than this... The comedy community was the only comfort I had today. I thank you all for your kindness and your comfort. It meant more than you can ever know.