Skin Deep.... written Aug 26th

I forgot to post this.......

The other day last minute I decided to go to Costco  for just a few things.  When I went to look for my card I realised it must be at home.   I went to the counter to get a day pass.  First let me say this dont go to Costco on the weekend.... Its a mad house.   I stood at the end of a line of 4 people with three people behind the counter working as fast as they can to service us all.  Just as Im waiting sure enough some idiot just walks up and cuts the line.  No one says anything.   I now have to decide if I should be the Bitch and say something.   Sure enough I speak up... Excuse me but we are all in line over here.  Well I was in line over there.  Sure enough there was another line for just the one guy on the side of the counter and he told her to go over to our bank of service people.   Sorry.  Not to be made to feel like I was out of line to the others waiting I say.... you know they should have a rope  like at the bank or numbers like at the deli.   Nothing.   Am I the only one who doesnt like waiting???

When my turn comes they ask me for my licence.   I take it out and notice. Its expired. WTF!!  I guess with all that has been going on in my life I forgot to check.  I finished up my quick shopping..... Quick for me is an hour at Costco.   I feel this strange need to look at everything.  So $165 later Im back in my car with a ton of paper products and more fruit than any 3 people could eat before spoiling and $60 dollars worth of beef.   Let me say that I never thought I would ever by $60 dollars in beef and get only 5 steaks out of it.    I will be eating plums for breakfast lunch and dinner and I will freeze the beef and dole it out like its gold.   

I checked though the mail and found my letter from the dmv saying I needed to renew.... in person.   I would need 6 points of identification.   My expired licence would count as one... if it was valid it would be worth 4.  I have a current passport that would be worth 4 point.  I needed just one more.  Birth Certificate..... HA!!!!!   Im a woman and changed my name Robin Harlan no longer exists.... I would need to bring my marriage certificate.... I dont know where it is?   I can bring an IRS statement... that would mean getting my husband involved.  A health insurance card..... counts as one and that is what I used.   Its like playing bridge.  I am grateful to have health insurance for the obvious reasons and the fact that the card counts as one point! I also need a letter with my name and address from the government....  I find something in the draw and grab it and go,

I have to get my car inspected also.. so I decide to make a day of it.   I decided to go at 2 hoping to miss the lunch crowd.  Well that sounded like a good plan... but who knew that so many people had free time during the day?   I went to the Edison branch.   Everyone says that things have gotten so much better since they privatised the DMV....  I wasn't so sure.   The first thing you see when you walk in is a sign on the door saying no cell phones in use allowed inside.    I walk up to the receptionist desk.  There is a cop standing there also.   I stand on line and wait my turn and hear people getting upset because they don't have the proper id... thus the cop.

He checks all my id and then I hand him the letter with my address. He says the card I brought saying I needed to fill out and renew my licence was enough.  Might be nice if the card stated that somewhere on it.

I am told to go to the next table to get a blue card.  It takes a second to get it.   There are 4 women handing out the blue cards.   The blue cards are nothing more than a number to tell you when its your turn.   I have number 26.   I ask what number are they on none of the 4 women know.  

I look for a seat.  Who looks like there not contagious or have lice.    Nothing against immagrints   but it looked like the immigration office and not the DMV.   Edison has a large Indian population.  Highland park has religious Jews.   There were Latinas and  Asians and  and equal amount of white trash and the only black persons were working behind the counter.   There was a young mom who's son wanted her attention.   She told him to shut the fuck up.  No shit in public.   He wanted soda....  finally she got him one an he dropped it and she hit him.   He couldnt have been more than 3.   Im watching all this like its Jerry Springer wondering if Im the only one appalled.  There are signs every 3 feet saying no cell phones allowed.   The man across from me is on his phone having an argument and trying to make a business deal.   There at number 11....

There are 2 windows open for drivers licences.  Two.  Why are there 4 women handing out numbers and only 2 windows to process licences.  Why do they need 4 women to hand out a number???  They call the guy next to me up to the window and a nice lady in her 60s sits down next to me.   She had been sitting next to a family with 3 kids and a baby making a racket.  We talk a little and shes a realtor.   I mention the cast of characters in this place.   We talk about the mom hitting the kid.     I never hit my kids never.   I was hit and spanked and I blame it for me becoming a comic.   It just makes you hate the people your suppose to love and not trust them.    Now that this one guy is on his cell phone the entire room it seems has gotten on their phones.    

Finally they call my number.  The woman behind the counter is lovely and it goes rather smoothly.   Then I realise that they are going to take my photo  with my horrific  hair cut.  Yes it still is bothering me.   My hair looks like a blind man with hedge clippers cut it. ... Two weeks later.   Sure enough this hair cut will live on for the next 3 years when ever I look at the dam licence.

It took two hours.  I went to the inspection station and was in and out in under 15 minutes.   I thought I had entered a parallel universe.   

Getting up again to do stand up has been going well.  Except for the fact that I have felt anxious before each show .   I have in general been kind of edgy.   Lets face it ... it has been a shitty summer for me.   First my brother, then  my vacation where I had emergency dental work and got what I thought was flea bites all over my feet.  It turns out that I have detrophic exceama  what ever you do..... do not google image this.  It started out as a small looking bites on my feet.   When I came home I noticed I had some itchy bumps on my hands.   Two weeks ago I got a huge outbreak all over my hands and feet and ran to the dermatologist.      He took one look and said.  Oh you have Chronic Detrophic Eczema I will write you a script.  Chronic!!!

You mean I will have this all the time.   No he says just on and off.  It brought on from stress and an allergic response.   He told me it happens most to people who suffer from allergic asthma or  hay fever.  This is me.    I was devastated and very itchy.   I got stressed and it got worse.   I performed a fantastic set and it was the only relief I had that day.... the performance took all my focus off my itch hands.   I later got a secondary rash on my back that I can hardly feel unless the rashes on my hands and feet quite down....then its all I can feel.

For years i wondered how health food stores stayed in business.   Now I know its for people over 45 who get things that their doctors only know how to treat the symptom.    Since getting this diagnosis  I have spent day and night researching this illness.   I have found out that lack of B12 and Iron is part of the problem.... I have both.     My gut is leaky.....  at least thats what they say....online and my liver needs cleansing.  I need to take B13 Iron a multi and calcium everyday which I have been doing like my religion.   I rub on it Hydrogen Peroxide and take vinegar soaks,  or tea soaks.   I also need to find White Oak bark , fire bush leaves to make a tea, flax seed oil, milk thistle, evening of primrose and a partridge in a pear tree.  Im doing yoga and Im  meditating 2 times a day.  I am officially an old piece of shit.  A great deal of this is due to running myself down to the point I was afraid of....... I burnt the candle on both ends and now Im itchy from it.

Im going to talk to an immunologist.   I cant have this... here is why.  I am a complainer when it comes to my well being.  If Im cold .... I will announce it to all who will listen.  If Im tiered I will do the same.  If my feet are sore.... and so on.    My poor family and friends Im like 1010 wins every 10 minutes you get the eczema report.  Its flairing on my hands now but my feet are fine today. 

Blank and Blue

Last Weds night was my first night back at my home city club. It was great to see everyone again. One of the nicest things about working at city club is the variety of comedians I have gotten to know and work with. From newbies to seasoned pros at this for decades. What I like the most is that I feel like I am one of them the special breed of working city comics. Many of them hadn't heard about my brothers passing and it had been more than 6 weeks since I had been there. I was anxious most of the week thinking about getting up again. I am emotionally fragile and raw. I'm irritable and easily stirred up into an emotional snow ball. The fear of failing is overwhelming and I don't know if I can even deal with not doing well and fear it spinning me out of control and into a depression or worse making me want to give up.

My first show I hosted and it went better than I had hoped. I was on my game and actually had fun up there. All the fear went away with the first joke hitting hard. The second show was a 6 minute spot. I got up and I did my first joke to a mild response. The room was packed I felt nervous. Then during my second joke a kid yelled out " Nice Tits." I said " Did you just say Nice Tits? Well your the first in 2 decades thanks." I went into my next joke and his remarks and the feeling of not being in control of the room got to me...and unnerved me. I went to think of my next joke and got stuck in my head and not the moment. Then I blanked out. Nothing was in my arsenal of jokes. I stood there frozen. I then said" I'm feeling a little Rusty after being away for 6 weeks due to a death in my family and hey I'm old. Then out of no where I just abandoned my set and talked about how people showed up at the memorial who never ever came to my kids bar and bat mitzvahs, or my parents 50th or 60th anniversaries etc. Then I out of no where.... I made up a funny line about funerals and it got a good response. I said to the room and on that happy note I'm gonna say good night. Then I see the mc isnt in the room.... I then say or not. I ask the room to all at once on the count of 3 say the mc's name. Still no mc... So I launched into my dirty set and ended my misery. As I exited the show room I went up to the manager and told him, My first show I hosted was wonderful this one was not my best work. He told me not to worry and that I am just back and it will come back ..... just relax. I looked up and there was Carl my husband with our new puppy in his arms. He had driven me in for my first night back in the city and stand up.   He knew it might be a rough night and was right.

Let me say that puppies are an excellent way to prevent depression. I can never curl up and stay in bed all day , he needs to eat , to play, to go out, to play, to play , to show me how much he loves me. Sammy has been the single reason to smile many a day. Even so I hurt from the bad set. It lasted into the next day.

I was shaken and fearful of a show I was to do Sat. night. It was a private show booked by a club manager in the city. I mentioned to the Booker that I had been off for a while. He told me he knows I'm a pro and that I am a perfect match  for this show. I had 2 weeks to prepare and I would be fine. Well with 2 days to go before this show I wasn't so sure. I was being paid a very well to do a half hour. I would be doing this show alone. I took this gig the day after my brothers memorial and was full of self doubt and fear when I booked it.. Now after the rough night I was even more fearful. I was extremely irritable all day Thursday and Friday. Thursday I got a phone call that would add another ball in the air.

I was called by a local organization and asked if I can book a comic to do a half hour for high school and college kids. It was the staffs  year end party, for a day camp. I am not right for the gig and I had to think of someone to fill the show. It will take a special comic to do this show. I thought right away of Johnny Watson ,who I knew could do a show like this with one hand tied behind his back. Putting this thing together was far harder than I thought it would be. Johnny had a gig out of town he was trying to re arrange and I needed to find someone else just in case he couldn't do the show. It took me two days and hours of emails and phone calls to make it all come together. In the end,  Johnny couldn't make it and I booked Rodney Laney. I asked several other comics and it was stressing me out  and making me wish I just passed on the entire thing. I know Rodney is perfect for this show and I am sure he will be well received.

 My daughter was home from the city and needed to use my laptop. She went on to her Myspace. She then didn't sign out. I signed on  and by mistake entered the wrong email address and locked myself out of the site.....and I couldn't access my contacts and the rest of my page. I told myself not to panic and then something snapped inside me.  I had a complete and total melt down. I'm talking hysterical ..... not able to cope and crying and screaming my head off. Finally, I figured out what I needed to do to get back in to the site  and calmed down. I was shaken by my loss of control and outburst. I scared my college aged daughter.  She told me I had to take it easy and maybe was pushing myself too fast and hard.

During the day I spoke to a woman named Pat who books me from time to time here in NJ.   She is one of the nicest bookers I know.   I told her how fearful I was doing the one woman show the  Sat. to come.   She gave me some good advice and told me that I would be  fine.   The day of the show she even sent me an email wishing me good luck on the show that night.   You have to be grateful for people like this in your life.

 Later that day My teen age son came home from work  and was in a bad mood. I was in a bad mood. Then Carl came home in a bad mood and me and my son had a fight.   He spoke  fresh to me.... as most 16 year old boys can do at times... but my patience was long gone and missing.   My husband mixed  into the argument and made it far worse. We now were all at it.    I decided to leave the house and get a cup of coffee and cool off. I drove up the street and parked my car and waited to calm down before I  risked driving . I called Linda Belt a dear comedy friend and asked if she was booked this weekend.  I wanted to bail out of the gig.... something I have never done before for this reason.  It would be totally uncool for me to cancel but I was sure I was going to be spending the weekend in a mental hospital. The pressure of a one woman show riding only on me and being this upset following a blanking out onstage had me paralyzed. After not doing stand up for close to 8 weeks the subtleties of my jokes were missing from my brain. I could remember the jokes but not all the meat.  I was upset,  what was wrong???? It felt at that moment like everything.

Linda listened and told me she did have personal plans that night but she would break them to help me out. I knew if I backed out of this gig it would be a bad career move. I didn't know what I should do.   Just the fact that this woman was willing to break her plans and drive 6 hours from Ct to help me calmed me. The kindness was a huge emotional band aid. We were on the phone for close to 2 hours.

We even got off the topic of my shitty few days and my fear of doing the show. I found myself at one point in the conversation feeling much better and feeling like I was okay. Linda is a total pro. I like to think in this respect we are the same. Just talking to her reminded me of what we both do.  I consider her a total equal and somehow hearing her calm steady voice and confidence re-booted my emotional state and judgement.   I told her not to break her plans. That I would just do whatever I needed to to prepare and not only do well ....but  ace this show. I have to say to anyone doing stand up,  its so helpful to know you have a friend like this in comedy. A wing man,  a person who will have your back and that you would do the same for in a heartbeat. If you don't have one make it a goal if you do have someone like this  cherish them.  I had found myself in the calm and fun and caring of a friend.   I had gotten lost in the pressure, and fear of failure and the family frustrations.   I was able to see myself outside the drama.  I was able to know I would and could be okay.   ( or at least that is what I told myself)

I went home and locked myself in my room. I was to begin again getting ready for this show. I put my personal life and emotions on hold somehow.   The gig  was a 40th birthday party. No other info was available to me. I took out my 2 main comedy marble notebooks. I read them cover to cover. I notated the jokes I wanted to put in the set. I then drew up a set list. Then I wrote half of the set that was giving me trouble in long hand. Long hand- tattoos  in a sense the  jokes to the front of my brain. I then looked at the clock hopped in the shower and did my set out loud in the shower and timed it for the half hour, later I said it again. Then I wrote the set list from memory and checked the master list. It was all there.

 The next day I avoided my family and wrote my set list on my hand so I could look at it all day. I did the set again on the way to the grocery store and said the rest softly to myself holding my cell phone next to my ear pretending to talk on it as I continued to finish the rest of the set as I shopped for food.  Yes Im a " Tella-Phoney"   I glanced at my had a few times... as I drove home trying to drill it into my brain. I glanced at it and recited the list as I did laundry and made the beds. I ate dinner and read my book and the longhand versions of the jokes. As I drove to the gig I said the set out loud again....

 I left 2 hours ahead for a 50 minute drive. I wanted to get there and relax and go over my set and notes.  On arrival I checked in with the husband of the birthday girl. Okay it wasn't just women as I had been told. I can still do most of the jokes. I then asked about his wife. Was this a surprise party? Did she know? Who was in on the deception? Are your parents here? Is there anything out of bounds?? No F words... no problem. Nothing gross. I told him my gross and graphic joke..... he laughed and said it was funny. I shook his hand and told him I would be out by the bar and to call me when he needed me to start. I stuck my head in the room . Men and women 35 to 50. I can do this. I felt so prepared that  all the fear and dread had left me.

I opened up with crowd work. All in the moment and new. Nothing canned. I asked knowing the answer.... Did you know this was a surprise party? I asked who was in on it? I made a joke how she will never ever trust these deceivers again. I said how can you trust them?

 I then made a joke about them keeping secrets .... what else aren't you telling her etc. I then commented how fit she was for 40. Turns out shes a fit model. Sorta like a body builder but not so extreme. I said can I ask you a personal question. What size are you? She got embarrassed and wouldn't say. I made fun of her. She's ashamed shes just a 4 and not a 2. I know how you feel being a 14. I feel your pain. I had her and her husband.

I moved into my set and it was flawless. I forgot to be nervous. I was back. I couldn't have asked for a better set or response. I was filled with pride and relief. People came out to the bar and  were full of compliments.   I drove home happy.  Sunday I hoped that things would calm down on the family front and they did.  We all kissed and made up.

Last night I returned to the city for a full night of stand up.   I left with lots of time so as not to stress if there was traffic.  Turned out there was a ton of it.   I was listening to the car radio.   I was in a good mood.    Just then the Pretenders - I'll stand by you - was on the radio.   I was just turning the helix on the way into the Lincoln Tunnel when the singer kinda crys the lyric...... I started to cry!!!    It took me by such a surprise.     I wasn't feeling emotional.   I cried my way through the entire tunnel.   As I hit the other side  I felt  better for having cried.   I cried because I was remembering my brother seeing me perform in the city.    He would come and shadow me the entire night.   He loved coming with me.   He would root for me and pump me up.    I needed him tonight and he was gone.  

  I was booked on the 7:30 the family show.   I was nervous.  It was an 10 minute set and  Its different every show.   I like to do the set not as a firm set like my weekend show was.   I have an arsenal of material and choose each joke as I go.  Feeding off each response from the joke before.   It went very well.   I was hosting the 9:30 and the 10:30 double hosting.  No stress here.....NOT.    I went to the manager and asked if this was a mistake and he said, no its easy.    That's  3 hours of hosting.    I decided to do a strong 8 minutes right upfront with limited crowd work.   It worked!   I just made the jokes seem more conversational in tone.    Was it a killer set ....No, but it opened the room.   I did a few one liners in each show in between comics amounting to little or no time.

 Then I did a 10 minute set on the 11:30 it was a solid fun set.   My Pal, Laurence Mallroony who I met from Philly's funniest contest a few years earlier was on the show.    He watched the set and said .... Solid.    I felt it in my bones.  It was.   As I got ready to leave the club I was squaring up things at the front desk when the opener for the 12:30 hadn't shown.    I asked should I hang around you need another comic?   Yeah! Let Robin open shes strong she can do it with no problem.   Oy.... dont jinx me.   Laurence opened the show.  They were a typical thuggy 12:30 show, young rowdy  crowd.   They were shouting out and a sure sign of things to come. Before the show even started they  were going up on the stage and fooling around.   Fear returned.

Couldn't leave well enough alone Robin!!!  Had to open your mouth and now do this.    I came up with a game plan.   I would address the rowdy girls who were celebrating  a birthday.    The loudest one had very large breasts.   Not fake ones just large ones.  Grandma large not Pam Anderson large.   I get up and say Happy Birthday !!!  I sing ?  " Its your birthday ... happy birthday....   How old are you?   She says 27....  I say you looked young ,your boobs are still perky......  the room roared.   She had announced to the mc that they were like double ffs.    I went on to say that considering how large they were  them being perky was quite a big deal.   Then I shamed the audience.   I said like you didn't see them walking in the room 10 minutes before she got here Noooooo!!!!    I was in the zone.   They were with me and I was with them.   I did a take no prisoners set.   Raw and tight....  I did new stuff and old .... I zigged and zagged  .... I had an A plus set.  Then as I left the stage the mc high fived me and said Way to go Babe.   I walked past the next comic who is a good pal and he said......... How am I gonna follow that???   I said," Very well... that's how". 

  I drove home ..... from my other home on  the stage.  It was good to be back. 

And then there were two.

Once again thanks to all who wished me condolences on my brothers passing. So how am I? Miserable. The last time I blogged I mentioned how my brother had lived in Ca. and that he chose to be cremated. It takes over a week to process a body and that caused a delay in the funeral for him. Shiva the Jewish mourning period couldn't begin till after he was cremated. In Most cases Jews are buried within one day of death and the mourning starts. It has become clear to me in a very real way that the worst thing that can happen for a person who is grieving is to be alone. The Friday after my brother died was a private hell for me. I cant begin to express the level of grief I felt. It was not only emotional it was physically painful. The night of Craig's passing my Brother Gary and my sister in law Angela met up at my parents home. My brother was to give my parents the sad news and I arrived a few moments later. I had had the horrible job of telling my mom in April how sick Craig was and how dire the situation was. We didn't want to burden my mom with the worry which goes along with a prolonged illness and had Craig and I had decided that it was best to not tell our mom till there was no possible chance for recovery.
My mom our entire life would say that there is nothing worse than to have to outlive your own child. I think she is right and her words were prophetic.

Sad as it was there was some kind of strength in us all being together. We all still knew we had each other and that somehow together we would make through this.
Friday since there wasn't as normally there might have been a funeral.... life when on around us as normal. Normal wasn't what I needed and after living a day of pain and unending grief. I decided that since Shiva would be delayed. ( Shiva is like a wake after the burial without the body in the room. It lasts several days and friends and family and love ones come to pay their condolences. Once again it is a way to help the mourner know that life will continue and that they have much good still in their lives even with the devastation a loss of a loved one brings.) I told my mom we would let friends and family know that we would instead of Shiva start having condolence calls at my moms home starting the next Monday evening.

At first we were going to have to do it at my home 18 miles from my parents home. I didn't want to have it at my parents house. Here was the problem. My mom is 83 and my dad is 87 and needs a walker. My mom takes care of my dad and a 4 bedroom house. She keeps the house very tidy, everything is in its place and with 80 plus year old eyes to my mom it appeared to be clean. It wasn't. Every light switch was black,  the kitchen cabinets had a film of grease and the refrigerator door was filthy. The carpets all looked vacuumed with lines from the machine yet the rugs had dirt and stuff all over them. My mom hadn't replaced the bag and was just running over the dirt. The bathrooms were horrible. Mold on the shower ceiling and the shower door looked frosted and it wasn't. There was a smell throughout the home. Old people house smell. It would make me ill to be in this house. Every drinking glass had a film on it. I would cry when I would go there and argue with my mom to let me or some cleaning people come in to do a deep clean. Mom would be horribly insulted and say that her home was clean. So when It was decided that the Mock Shiva was going to be at moms home I had to have a talk with her. The only conversation that was more difficult was the one when I told her about Craig's illness. She got very insulted and said no. I had to take out the big guns and tell her that she had no say in the matter. That she would have to trust me on this .....her house was dirty and if we were to have people in it had to be cleaned. I pointed out the dirt and she balked that it wasn't dirty. That she had just cleaned it a day or two ago. Finally I told her that I wanted to pay for it .... she said that that wasn't the point she had the money. Then I told her mom do it for me. Make me happy. It hurt me to tell her ... your house is dirty, but it is and that she should just trust me on this. She backed down.

Monday morning 4 women showed up at her home and spent 5 hours cleaning. That's 20 hours of cleaning a so called "not dirty house" My mom the first hour sat on the sofa depressed. Some time during the second hour when the women got on step stools and cleaned her 15 feet by 8 foot wall of mirrors she came around. These women performed a miracle of sorts. I cleaned while they did to get my mind out of my head and spent an hour wiping down the filthy refrigerator door and cabinet fronts. The cabinets were beige and by the end of the day they were back to off white. My mom was amazed when she went into her bathroom and saw the difference right away. She actually was happy. The house smelled like it did when I lived there as a kid , clean and with a faint scent of pine. My mom went up to the kitchen sink and said. What did they clean this with... I wash this sink everyday it looks brand new .....and it did. It took a 26 year old 15 minutes of scrubbing to do it and that is what they used....

Most of my parents friends showed up during the day. My husband notified our friends and to my joy so many of them came by each night. Jeanie Knoll and her husband Matt stopped in the first night and I was so touched by their kindness. Relatives showed up too. It was funny some of my relatives showed up for this occasion who never would come to a happy event like an anniversary party or a Bat Mitzvah. Why are people like this.?? Is it that they are there for you when your down because no one wants to have to be alone when they face a sad time? Are they putting it in the bank for when its there turn to mourn so they know you will return the favor when they need you?  Or is it that when you have a happy occasion that they cant share in your happiness and are only there for you when your miserable? I guess its a case by case situation.

Tuesday night was especially nice. Sean Eli and Adam Sank drove out to my parents home to pay me a condolence call. They both came with food, Shaun with cookies and Adam with a huge bowl of buckwheat soba noodles that he carried on his lap for an hour. I loved that they came. First of all Sean has always been a good comedy pal of mine and is a good guy through and through. Adam is the love of my comedy life. He is the Gay son,kid and brother I will never have and always wanted. He met my whacked out family at their fullest form. I had a relative that for years I have suspected to be gay. I was able to have Adam track his Gaydar on him. The scan was negative. Just hours later I was to find out my relative was in love with a woman and just bought a big boat and was planning to sail into the sunset with her. My relative is short and over weight..... so maybe the reason he didn't have a woman in his life was he wasn't successful enough to attract the kind of woman  he would want till he was in his 50s?  Well good for him! I wish him years of happiness and if he gets married to her will be sure if he invites me to dance my ass off at his wedding. At some point in the evening Sean and Adam and I went into the dining room for some desserts and were talking with my family. I mentioned that I had cancelled all of my July gigs and half of Augusts too. I just don't feel funny. I hate comedy at the moment.
Adam looked at me and said..." Your coming to my last show at Therapy this Sunday right??! It wont be the same with out you. He said he'd understand if I couldn't but if somehow I could he really wanted me there. It felt good to be needed but that wasn't enough. The truth is I am so sad to see Adam go. How could I let him leave and not be there at this show? How could I turn him down? I told him I would be there but didn't know if I would be any good in the state I was in.

Thursday was the first day alone since our Mock shiva. My grief returned. My brother wasn't himself before he passed and had said some hurtful things to me. The pain none the less of these words played in my head and I have cried so hard at times I thought I might never stop. I am impossible to live with. I'm bitchy and irritable . On a day to day basis the one happy thing has been my new puppy. I got him June 29th. His name is Samson and he is a miniature poodle and a ball of black fluff. He is a living beaniee baby.
Sammy is so full of life and forces me to be happy.

I had written a few jokes for Adams Roast a few weeks before all of this. Some were better than others. I didn't have enough jokes. I had done one Roast 2 years ago and for 6 weeks I worked on a set and it killed. Here it was just a few days before hand and I had to write something special for someone whom I love no less. Roast jokes....( yes finally something about me and comedy) are a special kind of joke. Hopefully the Audience would all know Adam but you have to write also as if they don't know him and your filling them in on what you know about the Roastee in a funny insulting way. The jokes have to stand alone even if you don't know the person, but to be special they should hit home hard. I wrote about 10 jokes. I had about a 4 to 5 minute set.

I was dreading the show. I couldn't put my finger on what the dread was. Yes I dreaded that Adam going  away ...but there is a big part of me that is so thrilled and happy for Adam, so I don't think that was it. What it was truly.... I didn't want to fail , I couldn't emotionally handle doing this show in the state I was in and have to deal with the pain of bombing too. I hate shows that have alot riding on them. Auditions, large events where I headline or charity functions where someone has put all their faith in me for that one performance. Being emotionally fragile made me so fearful and anxious. I stayed in bed most of the day. I put off writing a set list till the last minute. I left the house for the city cutting it very close to being there on time. I had to bring Sammy because my daughter wanted to see him and I had promised a few days earlier. I spent 15 minutes trying to convince a suburban puppy that it was okay to do his business on a sidewalk. He wouldn't go and didn't the entire night....even after Sarah got him at the club just a few minutes before showtime.

The club was packed standing room only. It was hot in there. Adam took the stage to welcome everyone. He got a standing ovation. The night had special all over it. All the comics had worked very hard on their material. The jokes were strong,  some delivered the new material better than others. Some by never doing these jokes before went a bit too long in their sets but really the show was strong and  as strong  as many professional roasts I have seen before. The comics not only made fun of Adam but of each other. There were several jokes about my advanced age. Youngsters....you wait you'll be old too someday if your lucky. There were several jokes about my dry pussy, etc. At the end of the night Adam came up for his responses and really knew me better than anyone and had some killer jokes and lines and did a  slaying of me. He even made fun of my brothers passing and it was hysterical.

I'm getting ahead of myself here. Lets go back. So when the show started Adam said the names of each comic and the line up to the audience. The audience clapped as they are trained to do. Then Adam said and The mother of all comedians is here tonight Robin Fox and the room roared and applauded noticeably louder as they heard my name . It felt wonderful. It was a core feeling, the feeling that is why I do stand up. Yes the artistry and creative process is a driving force... but the sound of over 150 people cheering for me fills my spirit and ego like nothing else. It wasn't that they liked me more than the others that made me happy... it was they knew me and were happy and excited that I was there.

I sat and listed to the show. Rethinking some of my jokes. I went over a couple with Chantal Carraro and she gave me some information that I could use to make a joke I had stronger. I was second to last and worried that the room would be tired , hot an exhausted by my turn. When I took the stage, I was home. Therapy is my best room. I actually have fans in that room and a good set is about as close to a sure thing for me. I made a comment to Brad saying....Nice Mom Jeans which it thought of on the spot. Feeling good enough to ad lib is always a good sign that I'm in the right place. I put my notes on the podium and did these 10 jokes for the first time. I knew from experience that as important as material is that the context is often far more important than the content. I was the context. I was in my zone. How I got there is a complete mystery to me. The only time I failed to have a truly great set in this room was the night that all the Therapy all starts were there for the golden globes and I wanted to do as well if not better than the city headliners and regulars. I was in a competitive mode and not up to the challenge that night. This night there was none of that. I didn't have to be the best.... I just didn't want to bomb or to let Adam down ....compacted by the fear of failing in front of my peers. Tonight On Kathy Griffin my Life on the D list she bombed in a room in Tahiti. She made a few comments that I could relate to and have thought myself before. I was thrilled and felt like wow I am a comic just like she is....maybe not as talented or famous on the G list but we react to the same things. She said that bombing is awful and only made worse when you have people you know see it happen. Mario Cantone was there and her failure only felt worse for it. She and he also said that they freaked out when the audience is lit. Who wants to be stared at it throws you off. Mairo said that he likes darkness and the laughter of ghosts to just fill the room. I have said ... I like doing stand up like I like sex... in the dark.

Back to the roast- I had a fantastic tight little set. I ad lib-ed twice and one joke about how Jackie Monahan was too pretty to be a lesbian wasn't on my paper  or even a joke it was just a thought  I had  I ad libed  some thoughts on stage and I killed with it. I made it up as I went along. It was so exciting and I actually felt joy. The one joke I was most proud of was about Tom Ragu whom I just met a few months ago who just adore. I said.... Tom Ragu is so fat his blood type is Elizabeth Taylor. I didn't care what the audience thought. I knew some of them would be too young to get it but to the ones who did, it would kill and that's just what happened. I commented to the crowd that I wrote that joke at one of the lowest moments in my life and that if I could do that It makes me know I can go on. I said .... that joke I did for me. I had a confidence and a command that surprised even me. I made Adam and the room laugh and my jokes about him were for the most part silly and gentle. I never felt more like a comedian than I did that night. I shined amongst my peers  and I did what I thought I couldn't do... I pushed through the fear if only for loving Adam and wanting to do right by our friendship and I know somehow I will be okay and want to perform again soon.

Today was a hard day. I isolated myself and called no one. I slept most of the day in a depressed stupor. My husband took me out to dinner. After we finishes we got into conversation with the couple next to us. Just talking and being with people made me feel good. I went home and charged my cell phone which has been dead since the day after My brother passed. I took no calls on it...it is mostly only for work. There was a message from my home club saying they miss me and I should take as much time as I need. They also said... your spots are waiting for you as soon as your ready. I was touched. It was so decent in a business that often isn't. I have my brothers memorial service next Weds morning. I am going to call my avails in for the week to follow. I need to be with people ... I need to go back to being me. I don't know if the pain of this loss will ever leave me . I do know that the joy in what I can do is a huge part of me. I do it because its who I am and I love it most of all when I can make a room full of strangers my friends.

The above was written one week ago....
Since then I have been up and down emotionally. I haven't performed. I just was asked by a pretty big person in comedy to do a private party next Sat night. It is the perfect gig to get back on my feet. Its a 40th birthday party for a woman...and her friends. I was honored to be asked and I will be the only one performing. What touched me so was what the booker said about me and why he was hiring me. It feels good to have the respect of someone in his position. Yesterday Weds was Craig's NJ Memorial Service. I spoke at the service. For someone who writes and performs for a living I was blank as to what to write about my brother. The pain was too sharp for me to think clearly. Finally like the night before a term paper I wrote something down.... I don't know if it is proper to post this but somehow I feel I should. I know I will be all right. It just has been very emotional, without my brother passing just spending this much time with others who also are grieving and raw is difficult. Mostly being around me has been difficult. I did have a few bright moments... Going to Adams Roast was one and Adams going away party was the other. I feel much better in the presence of friends and other comics. I will be starting to work as of next week , I need to work.... I am sad today and happy that Adam is beginning his new life with Rob in California. Endings lead to new beginnings. I need to begin again.

The following was the draft I read at my brothers memorial.

I grew up youngest sister with two older brothers. As a little girl I dearly loved, idolized and feared this twosome.
My brother Craig being the oldest dominated the pack. My brother was a super hero to me. He was a big ham and to me it looked like he was having all the fun. He could ride a two wheeler, he performed in plays, there was nothing he couldn't do. One of my earliest memories of Craig was him being on TV in a tele-play of Jack and the Bean Stalk. As a young teen he was on TV on Zacharie's dance show. He played Hockey and my brother Gary and I would drive in the middle of the night with my mom to his games held before dawn. Craig taught me to skate by him and Mitch Buno each grabbing an arm and fast as lightening pulling me screaming around the rink and then letting me go.

To me it looked like Craig was popular and cool and hip. He wore a fringed suede coat drove a motorcycle and dated all the pretty girls in High School. He was handsome and it looked like life was a big party and he was the coolest one in the room. My brother was too cool to be bothered by a kid sister more than  8 years younger than him. I remember being sad and depressed when I was just 11 and he left for college. I felt abandoned and lost.

Yet Craig would want to help me in life. He would point out sometimes the obvious to me and change my point of view. After college when I was 16 he moved back east and we became closer. He live nearby in Watchung and I would visit him and we would talk. I was in love with someone who didn't love me and Craig tried to get me to see it from another angle. Craig was able to communicate to me possibilities.

No one I knew was more determined than him. Craig was larger than life to me growing up. When I didn't know where to go to college he guided me to Boston. Whenever he came home and I was away he found me and came to visit me. Once while I was away at camp and once while I was in College at BU.

We spent many years in a long distance relationship. I flew out to Arizona once while he was in Grad School and spent spring break with him. There were many years far too many years were we didn't connect. We both believed the illusion that time was unlimited.
Most of my 20s and into my early 30s we spoke seldom. He came to my wedding and I and my husband visited him the year after our marriage in Fresno where he finally settled and raised his own family.

Craig came home for Josh's Bris and when Andy his second son came along. He was home for My brother Gary's wedding too. Then we went though the Telephone years. Where we talked often late in the night for many hours at a time. Part phone visit part therapy we examined our lives and upbringing together and shared intimately with each other. Around the time of Craig's divorce we pulled apart. There were misunderstandings many slights and hurts shared by us both. Just about 5 years ago we found each other again. Craig emailed me he had found me on the Comedy Soapbox and left me a comment on my page. He left a funny and beautiful comment full of love and encouragement.

When Andy his son was in the Army in Iraq we spoke on the phone and started to email each other more often. Though our lives didnt intersect often .... I had an un-dieing love and devotion and affection for my big brother Craig. He in life was the Indian Guide or Space monkey if you will .... older and wiser and full of knowledge, power and wisdom.

Then one horrible morning the phone rang. It was the first Tuesday in November two years ago. That night I had an audition for a comedy festival and tickets to see Jersey Boys. The phone even rang ominously. I saw the caller Id and could tell just by his voice that something was wrong. Craig in tears told me he was going to die he has esophageal cancer.

Life as I knew it stopped. Time wasn't unlimited. My brother was on the clock. He asked me to help him with some logistical things and we just cried with each other.
I called my husband and we both cried on the phone. I then sat down and wrote my dear brother an email promising him we would fight this together and that I would be there for him.

I flew out to Fresno 3 times during his illness. I came with alot of emotional baggage. Craig has a beautiful home and was so proud of it. Craig had an intensity to him that had helped him succeed in life, but was difficult at time if you were not on board with him. As soon as I entered the house he had jobs for me to do. I helped him with his expense lists and organized his bills and even changed his air conditioner filter. Craig became as hyper aware and controlling of his environment during his illness. He grabbed hold of this control as his life spun out of control due to his illness. His home amazed me. It was nothing like what I expected. It was warm and cosy and much homier than I had expected. Craig as it turned out was very sentimental and had photos all ove his home of everyone he loved and cherished. To my surprise Mr. cool had photos of our late  grandmother we called Nana in every room, by his desk and even next to his bed side.

His music room was filled to the brim and I helped him put some things in order. Deb his fiancee painstakingly organized the 1000s of magic tricks he had and self taught himself and mastered. I learned so much from Craig's home. We had similar tastes in alot of our home furnishings etc... Craig loved his home. He had 100s of friends and he received 100s of cards wishing him good health from friends and patience alike. Many notes and cards were filled with letters of gratitude from a patients telling Craig how he impacted their lives and thanked him for  helping them to turn their lives around.

Craig loved his yard and landscaping, the fruit trees and plants. He loved Deb and his sons. he cherished his friends and he knew everyone in town. You couldn't go to a coffee shop or store with our several people stopping to say hello and chat. He loved his pets and Gabrilla the pit bull especially. This dog was so devoted to Craig and when he was going through the rigors of chemo wouldn't leave his side. Craig had a Big life.

We didn't do much when I visited. I came as much to give Deb a break from the constant care she lovingly gave to my brother. As Craig put it..." I'm a hand full". Craig and I during these visits bonded closer than ever. I was in many ways the next best thing to a mom. I'm good at mothering I guess. We talked and we went through our lives and righted and hurt or wrongs even the smallest.

For most of my life I was intimidated by Craig. No more... now, we were now equals. I had a comfort in just being with him.  Many days we would just sit and be together Craig would watch  TV-- some show on how pencils were made and I would do a sudoku puzzle. I said to him.." Being alone with you is so comfortable it reminds me of being alone with myself and at peace. I was comfortable and comforted with him... he agreed.

That is what I will remember and cherish and miss most about Craig. The small simple moments that were too few. I hungered all my life to he in his life. When I returned  home we would talk on the phone for hours. Many times Deb would go out and I would just keep him company for several hours till she returned home on the phone or computer. He didn't like to be alone. I bought a Apple computer and would I Chat with him like on the Jetsons. We would visit for hours on end. Often I would Web chat with him after getting home from comedy at 2 am and chat on the computer till dawn. Many of these I chats would begin with Craig in tears. My only goal was to take his mind off his worries and to distract him long enough to make him laugh. I would tell him my jokes I did that night and repeat a line I loved that I heard that night. He was my biggest fan and loved to hear that I was working hard and doing well. He had an undying belief in me.

One day he came online very upset.... as we talked I mentioned a problem I was having at home. He calmed down immediately and went about trying to help me solve the difficulty I was dealing with. Craig loved helping people fix problems. During his illness Craig and I got to know each other. He was as I have said my biggest fan and when he came home to visit during his illness and a short remission he saw me perform several times a night many nights. He had an undying faith in my talent and never tiered of seeing me perform. He believed in me so much and told me it was just a matter of time till I hit the big time.

I remember a time when I was small being in our kitchen. Craig stood in the doorway blocking me from leaving. He had his hands above him holding each side of the door and his legs were doing the same. He smiled and said... I'm 14 your 7 when are you going to catch up with me??? I said never silly, your my big brother you will always be older than me.

My Brother Craig lived a full and happy life. He loved me always. My last words to him were ..." I will always love you as long as I live". I am grateful for the small moments especially the ones where I felt our love flow though one and other. I will cherish this and Craig's memory all my life.

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